Today is a bit of a lonely day for me, and I am trying as hard as I can to keep my chin up, but despite my efforts, I feel a flood of tears just waiting to spill over. Part of the loneliness is because we have no family or friends to share dinner with today. It's an odd feeling doing all the baking that you would normally divide up between people, yet have no one to share it with. I wonder why I'm even bothering? Today I have literally been in the kitchen for the past 6 hours doing nothing but cooking & doing dishes. Why? We can't possibly eat all of this ourselves, and on every other normal day cooking for my family, I would never even consider devoting my whole day into cooking for one meal. But it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, fresh bread and pumpkin pie, so I guess I'm calling on tradition as my excuse. But Thanksgiving tradition also calls for family and friends to enjoy the feast. And of those, I have none with us. It saddens me. I'm not sure what hurts the most though, the loneliness, or the invitations we have given out that have been either ignored or forgotten, and alternate plans were made despite our open invitation. It really makes me feel like we're not important. And that hurts.
The other part of the loneliness is the feeling that is haunting me that I have somehow alienated myself from those that I care about. Either that or I have pushed them away. I know that I've done something wrong when phone calls aren't returned, messages aren't replied to, and invitations to do something are immediately denied with some excuse. But what I'm trying to figure out is what I could have possibly done wrong to push so many people away. I've had times of loneliness in my life, but I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever felt more alone than I do right now. What could I possibly have done that has repelled everyone away from me? Or is this the Lord's way of telling me that I need to take a step back, and have some time for myself? I just don't know what to think right now.
So I've been thinking of what I am thankful for, despite today's emotions. They may not seem like much, but to me they're all a huge blessing to me in their own ways.
I am thankful that I have a warm house to live in, with a way to cook our food, and even food to cook!
I am thankful that I have 3 beautiful and wonderful children. They may drive me crazy with worry, but I'd be nobody without them.
I am thankful for my angel baby, and the blessings he brought to our lives in his short time here.
I am thankful that I have a knowledge of the Gospel, that gives me hope that I'll be with my angel baby again.
I am thankful that I have a place to work. Even though the conditions at the moment are less than ideal, and have caused me a great deal of heartache, I am thankful that I am still there.
I am thankful that I have a good car that allows me to get us to where we need, but also allows me a bit of freedom.
I am thankful that I can afford gas for my car.
I am thankful for my 2 cats, that love me unconditionally (when they're in the mood, of course) but give me a sense of appreciation when they love on me and purr and purr and purr. Makes me feel important.
I am thankful for my wonderful husband, who still loves me despite all my many faults, and does his best to show me that.
I am thankful also that my wonderful husband has a good stable & secure job that he's loyal to. I don't have to worry about unemployment, and that is a major blessing right there.
I am thankful for paint, for adding color to my home.
I am thankful for my friends, who each have all blessed me in their own individual ways. I know that the Lord crossed our paths with a purpose.
I am thankful for electricity and natural gas. It'd be cold and dark without them.
I am thankful for my Bosch, that grinds my wheat & kneads my dough, and makes making fresh bread quite simple.
I am thankful for itunes and my ipod. Music soothes me. Music inspires me. Music fills many voids.
I am thankful for books, and especially thankful that I am able to read them and have enough of an imagination to escape into them.
I am thankful for my cordless phone, and the distance it transmits.
I am thankful for crutches, which made moving around possible after my knee surgery.
I am thankful for spaghetti. ;)
I am thankful that I have a working washing machine and a working dryer.
I am thankful for yummy smelling laundry detergent and fabric softener.
I am thankful for candles, and their many purposes to me.
I am thankful for my education that I had, and that I was able to apply myself and get a 4.0
I am also very thankful that I am a smart person, and was able to (and still do) understand anatomy.
I am thankful for apples and carrots, and other yummy tasting fruits and veggies.
I am thankful for my amazing Mac laptop!
I am thankful that I have a camera, one that I can use for an emotional outlet.
I am thankful for my long hair.
I am thankful that I have all my limbs, and that I am able to walk.
I am thankful that I am not in the hospital.
I am thankful that I have an electric blanket.
I am thankful for water. I'd be dehydrated without it.
I am thankful for flowers for many many reasons.
I am thankful for my bra, which in sense is my greatest support.
I could go on and on, but I'll end with this:
I am thankful that I am alive, and that I am able to tell you the things I am thankful for.
Hopefully in some way or another, I'll be a blessing to you, and in turn, you'll be thankful for me.