The first step is admitting you have a problem.

And a problem, I do have. Well, many problems. But I'm only going to admit to two of them at the moment. First, I am not the most organized person. Second, I collect recipes. And they're not organized. At least they're all confined in one location, mostly.

There are, of course recipes on sticky notes that are placed in various places through out my kitchen.



Junk mail envelopes make great recipe cards.

Some of them are well loved. Very much. And not very legible. But you know a good recipe when it's smeared and splattered with ingredients. Not to mention that it makes opening up to a specific recipe very easy.

The sad thing about this is that I'm not much of a recipe follower. I'll look at a recipe for a basis, then I'll throw in things and omit things based on my preferences, but the majority of my cooking is done by looking in the cupboard and seeing what stands out as a good addition.

Yeah, I have a recipe problem.

I'm missing the mountains.

"You don't know what you've got until it's gone..." Not that the mountains are gone, but my ability to hike in them is gone for the moment. I took for granted the good health I was feeling, and the strength I had gained. Then, literally overnight, it was gone. Having the herniated disc completely compress the nerve root made it difficult to bend, twist and lift and reach, and even more difficult to walk. Where I had been feeling strong and limber one day, the next I was feeling like I needed to join the silver haired elderly in their walkers. Hopefully the spinal procedure will work it's magic and allow me the blessings of visiting the mountains again. I need to shift my perspective to a WHEN, not if. Otherwise, I'm handing myself a life sentence. When. I will make it back up there. It's just a matter of when.

Small, small glimpse of what I'm missing.

Some people, and their maturity level showing on the roads.

I've heard about road rage for years, and have gotten a little irritated myself while on the road. But I don't think I've ever experienced actual road rage, and have been afraid of someone else on the road. At the same time, I'm not sure if I've ever had such a strong urge to rear end somebody, as I did the other day. What a day. And what shining examples to Britty as to what NOT to do while on the road. Within a few hours time, too.

Our first encounter happened in the canyon between Heber and Strawberry Reservoir. We were on a stretch of road that the east bounders had two lanes, for many many miles. I was in the right hand lane, speeding a little bit, actually. This huge pick up truck hauling a camping trailer came barreling up behind me, having to slow down as they approached me. This did not make them happy. Despite there being a car in front of me setting my pace, they apparently took it personally that I was purposely slowing down just to spite them. So they passed me. Okay. That's what passing lanes are for. Good riddance to you. As they passed me, the passenger flipped me off. Okay? What did I do? I'm driving, minding my own business, and they flip me off because they are able to pass me? Whatever.

Well, a few miles later, we start to climb a steep hill, and guess what? They're hauling so much weight that they lose momentum going up the hill. Well, I'm not really in the mood to crawl up the hill at 30 mph behind them, so I move into the passing lane, and I pass them, as anyone would have the right to. This time both the driver AND passenger have their arms out of their windows, shaking their fists while telling me that I am number one. And trying to gun it up the hill to pass me again. Seriously! What did I do to them? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just a victim of proximity. So at this point, I was realizing that they probably have guns, and are pissed off enough to use them, albeit unjustified, so I booked it. Did not want them on my trail. Big sigh. Idiots.

A little while later, as we were approaching our destination, we were on another stretch of road that had 2 lanes. As the lanes were merging into one, there was a car in the other lane that was racing me to be in front, even though technically I had the right of way. But being as I am, and not wanting to risk anything, I slowed down and allowed them over. Usually that would result in a friendly "thank you" wave from the other car. Oh no. This resulted in 3 stupid teenagers who had nothing better to do with their time, deciding to mess with me. I'm sure they knew the area well, and knew that the road was one lane for 15 miles or so, with no passing lanes. So they slow down to around 40 mph to see if they could get a rise out of me. Okay, so I slow down to 40. What choice do I have? The next 20 minutes consisted of them looking back at me periodically and laughing. So I knew they weren't just out for the view, but they were slowing down on purpose. I was getting pretty irritated at this point, and if I didn't like my car so much, I'd have sped up and plowed into the back of their little Nissan. But the "Passing lane, 1 mile" sign gave me hope, so I refrained. I said to Britty "I'll bet you anything as soon as they hit the passing lane they'll speed up so I can't pass them." Sure enough. As soon as the second lane appeared, they took off.

Oh, at this point was not going to let them get away with it, and decided to play their game. Shouldn't have, but I did. So I gunned it. And yes, my Pacifica outran their little Nissan. They all stared at me and Britty with "What!? No way!" faces as we passed. I quickly got in front of them. Well, the SUV behind me was also tired of their little slow game, and immediately took the spot in the lane next to me, blocking any possible passing path for the stupid punks. I looked over at the driver in the lane next to me to give him an "I am so sorry, it wasn't me" expression, and was amused to find him looking at me as well, and motioning to me to slow down. So I did. And we coasted side by side, rather slow, enjoying watching the kids behind us swerve from lane to lane, trying to get around us. We kept that pace for the rest of the way into Vernal. Heh heh. Yeah, real mature of me, I know. But once in a while, I play their games and show them how stupid they really are. For my own sanity, of course. I don't have alcohol to fall back on. ;)

Seriously though, drive carefully, not aggressively. Those could have been two potentially dangerous situations. And one persons judgement could cost a life.

VNV concert

On Friday, Nolan, Britty & I went to see yet another amazing VNV Nation concert. I stayed in the back happily watching in a safe "I'm not gonna get trampled" zone. Britty, however, had to be in the energy of it all. Best place for a teenager, of course.

So Nolan found this video of Friday's concert, and we found Britty! If you pause it and move the scroll bar to 26 seconds, you'll see Britty. There are 2 arms raised right up front, (well, there are a LOT of arms raised, but there are two right up front and are extra illuminated) she is between them, wearing a black and white VNV soccer jersey.

Enjoy!

At a loss of words.

So I'll post a few of my pictures that reflect my emotions.

I have a confession to make.

I struggle with this blog. Obviously. Not because I think it's a waste of time, it's not that at all. It's only that I feel a bit overwhelmed. So much is going on, I don't have prioritized time to post, (not to mention that uploading images takes more time than it should) and then I get a bit of anxiety of the "where do I start, and how do I catch up." Then I read other blogs that are written like stories, and continually unfolding the drama, and I feel incredibly inadequate with my lack of writing talent. I do have inspirations once in a while, but otherwise, it appears that I do in fact lead a very boring life in that respect. At least a boring imagination. ;) Regardless, I'll make more of an effort to find blog worthy events, and actually blog about them.

Any suggestions for the uninspired?

Tagged... I'm it!

For this tag (thanks Sarah) I get to post the 4th image in my 4th photo folder. Which happens to be this:

This was taken about a year ago, in my back yard. I had just purchased a macro lens set for my camera, and being the geek that I am, I was elated to have my first little photo shoot out in the rain! It made for some beautiful pictures, one of which I won an award for. I can't wait for my flowers to bloom again, so I can do it again. :)

 Now I tag... Michelle, Tyffanie, Heather, Lori-ann, and Amy. Yes, Amy, you are now officially obligated to start your own Clayson family blog... ;)

De-luxe by Lush, and my amusement.

So we gave in and bought Rock Band on Saturday. We've played it at our friend's homes, and have had a blast. Nolan's urges were just too much, and he caved in. The result was he and I staying up until 3:30 in the morning, then starting again around 9 am. LOL. Well, Nolan's goal was to unlock De-luxe, an amazing song by Lush.

Okay, so I've known and loved this song for at least 16 years. However, I never really knew what the words were. Some, yes. But the rest? Well, I just kinda sang along with general sounds. It worked for me. It wasn't until Nolan unlocked it yesterday, and I got to sing along that I learned what all the words were. You want a random song? Here it is! I was laughing while singing, I'm amazed I still got 100%, and a "flawless" status. So now whenever I have aching legs, I'll just blame it on the grass in my thighs.

De-Luxe:

I’ve been waiting on the slide

Suggest I open wide
No incentive to hide
Happy coursing through my veins
Don’t even know my name
When I’m up you’re coming down

Inside of me, some sight to see
Some sight to feel our earthy bed

When we’re wrapped in polythene
What’s that supposed to mean
Paper flowers bring me luck
No birds in sight I fear
Stick sticks in you my dear
When I’m up you’re coming down

Some say I’m vague
And I’d easily fade
Foolish parade of fantasy

Drink in your eyes
Drink in you sighs
Grass in my thighs my aching legs

"Seek and ye shall find"

I was rewarded Friday morning with a very sweet surprise while on my way to work. The road I take passes by some farms, and this particular morning, the trees and fence fading into the fog caught my eye. Of course I had my camera, and I had some extra time, so I pulled over, crossed the street, and took these pictures: 

And a few more, of course. Anyway, as the sun started to rise, the fog became illuminated to the point that the camera would not focus anymore, so I figured my photo session for the morning was officially over. So I turned around to cross the street, and this is what I turned around to:

And yes, I was brought to tears, but this time, instead of tears of devastation, they were tears of gratitude for allowing me to have another glimpse of something so breathtakingly beautiful. 

Does this not look like an angel?

As I was driving to my office, I was thinking of  how interesting it was that I was allowed a small glimpse that first morning. Then I attempted to seek it out many times with no success. I still found very beautiful things, and was still grateful for what I did see, but I was still seeking that sunrise none the less. Then, on a morning when I was not expecting it, nor actively looking for it, I was rewarded. I think Wendy summed it up the best. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” (Matthew 7:7,8) The Lord, after my seeking, gave me a much treasured gift. Not right when I wanted it, but when it was His time to give it. And for those small things, I am forever grateful.

A pathetically sad story.

So I am officially obsessed with my camera. Considering I've loaded almost 6000 images on my beloved MacBook since *ahem* May, I'd say that's a bit obsessive. I've been trying to figure out why I like to take so many pictures, and I've come to a few conclusions. Either I am afraid if I don't capture it, either I can't prove I saw it, or I'll be afraid I won't remember what it looked like. OR, this is my outlet, my way to find things that visually express how I feel inside. I find something, some form of natural beauty that touches me, and I want to share that with others so they too can see the beauty that they would otherwise overlook. I am leaning on the outlet. 

So why is this a pathetically sad story? Well, I usually take my camera with me, and at least have it in my car, just in case. ;) Last week, as I was walking out the door to take the kids to school, I grabbed my camera off the hall table, then put it back telling myself "You're just taking them to school, then you're coming right back home. You don't need the camera." So I left it home.

On my way back home, one of the roads I take crosses over the Provo River, and passes an RV park right along the river that has hundreds of tall mature trees. That particular morning, the fog was so thick that I could only see a few car lengths ahead of me. Just as I was approaching the river, the sun started to rise from behind the mountain, which instantly turned the gray fog between the trees into a brilliant deep amber glow. Then, as the sun was a bit further up, it sent thick streaks of the sun's rays cutting through the fog, being interrupted by the trees. It literally took my breath away. I on impulse, pulled over and reached for my camera. Which I left at home. I started crying. I was devastated that I wasn't able to capture that intensely beautiful moment. I am pathetic.

Here are the trees, and the sunrise, just minus the fog.

Imagine the picture above with sun ray streaks like this:


But foggier and orange like this:

It was stunning.

I still get teary eyed when I think of it, almost as if I am mourning a terrible loss. I have even stalked that very spot almost every morning since hoping to get the same glimpse, but with no luck. I think it's official that I am obsessed.

Another heartbreaking yet eye opening event.

Last month, after the sudden death of Alan, it brought to my mind the fine line of mortality. I couldn't help but think about how different things would be if I KNEW that I'd see that person for the last time. Would I treat them differently? Would I make sure any wrongs I had done were made right? Would I bite my tongue when I'm about to say something potentially hurtful? Would my senses be heightened and would I be more aware of their unspoken needs? Would I make sure that before we part I gave them a hug and an I love you? 

As I lay in bed at night, either in Nolan's arms or him in mine, those thoughts keep coming back to me, along with a deep gratitude that when we both left in the morning, that parting was not our last. I hold him extra tight and realize how blessed I am that he is here with me, that he was able to make it through the day, and make it home. A split second decision or indecision can take life away with no warning. Am I treating him in the manner that if something would happen, I wouldn't have any regrets? Or that if something were to happen to me, he would know that I loved and cherished him, and that our last moments together were happy loving ones? I sure hope so. I know I'm nowhere near perfect with my attitude, but I'm trying, and will continue to work on that.

On Friday, all those feelings were intensified tenfold. A friend & neighbor of mine, left for the grocery store, with her kids home with her hubby. When she returned home, she found her husband had passed away. I couldn't help but wonder what kinds of words were said as she was heading out the door, and what kinds of regrets she possibly has. It breaks my heart to think of all the "if only" thoughts she must be thinking. It also breaks my heart to imagine the despair and pain she is enduring. She'll never have a chance to apologize to him for any harsh words she had ever said, or any times she may have unintentionally made him feel unimportant. She'll never have a chance to tell him how much she loves and appreciates him, and how much she cherished him. She'll never have a chance to hold him close. Like I said, I don't know what words were said either positive or negative that day, but it would crush me if they were fighting or having a typical marital argument when she left, and those were the last words ever said. I would hate myself and would never forgive myself for not expressing my love regardless of the disagreement. I wouldn't want things to be like that.

Hold your families close. You never know what day will be your last. Again, live each day as though it'll be your last. Treat people in a manner that you would want to be remembered by. Let everyone in your life know how important they are to you and how much you appreciate them. Be mindful of needs, especially the unspoken ones. Make amends for any hurtful things that were said or done. Women, hug your men, compliment them, bend over backwards to show them that they are needed, wanted and loved. Men, hold and caress your women. Let them know how lost you'd be without them. Parents, love your kids. Openly. Spend quality time with them and don't act like it's an inconvenience. Show them that you are thankful that they came into your lives, and they would have an empty hole without them. Life is too short to put off apologies. Life is too long to live with regrets.