A pathetically sad story.

So I am officially obsessed with my camera. Considering I've loaded almost 6000 images on my beloved MacBook since *ahem* May, I'd say that's a bit obsessive. I've been trying to figure out why I like to take so many pictures, and I've come to a few conclusions. Either I am afraid if I don't capture it, either I can't prove I saw it, or I'll be afraid I won't remember what it looked like. OR, this is my outlet, my way to find things that visually express how I feel inside. I find something, some form of natural beauty that touches me, and I want to share that with others so they too can see the beauty that they would otherwise overlook. I am leaning on the outlet. 

So why is this a pathetically sad story? Well, I usually take my camera with me, and at least have it in my car, just in case. ;) Last week, as I was walking out the door to take the kids to school, I grabbed my camera off the hall table, then put it back telling myself "You're just taking them to school, then you're coming right back home. You don't need the camera." So I left it home.

On my way back home, one of the roads I take crosses over the Provo River, and passes an RV park right along the river that has hundreds of tall mature trees. That particular morning, the fog was so thick that I could only see a few car lengths ahead of me. Just as I was approaching the river, the sun started to rise from behind the mountain, which instantly turned the gray fog between the trees into a brilliant deep amber glow. Then, as the sun was a bit further up, it sent thick streaks of the sun's rays cutting through the fog, being interrupted by the trees. It literally took my breath away. I on impulse, pulled over and reached for my camera. Which I left at home. I started crying. I was devastated that I wasn't able to capture that intensely beautiful moment. I am pathetic.

Here are the trees, and the sunrise, just minus the fog.

Imagine the picture above with sun ray streaks like this:


But foggier and orange like this:

It was stunning.

I still get teary eyed when I think of it, almost as if I am mourning a terrible loss. I have even stalked that very spot almost every morning since hoping to get the same glimpse, but with no luck. I think it's official that I am obsessed.

Another heartbreaking yet eye opening event.

Last month, after the sudden death of Alan, it brought to my mind the fine line of mortality. I couldn't help but think about how different things would be if I KNEW that I'd see that person for the last time. Would I treat them differently? Would I make sure any wrongs I had done were made right? Would I bite my tongue when I'm about to say something potentially hurtful? Would my senses be heightened and would I be more aware of their unspoken needs? Would I make sure that before we part I gave them a hug and an I love you? 

As I lay in bed at night, either in Nolan's arms or him in mine, those thoughts keep coming back to me, along with a deep gratitude that when we both left in the morning, that parting was not our last. I hold him extra tight and realize how blessed I am that he is here with me, that he was able to make it through the day, and make it home. A split second decision or indecision can take life away with no warning. Am I treating him in the manner that if something would happen, I wouldn't have any regrets? Or that if something were to happen to me, he would know that I loved and cherished him, and that our last moments together were happy loving ones? I sure hope so. I know I'm nowhere near perfect with my attitude, but I'm trying, and will continue to work on that.

On Friday, all those feelings were intensified tenfold. A friend & neighbor of mine, left for the grocery store, with her kids home with her hubby. When she returned home, she found her husband had passed away. I couldn't help but wonder what kinds of words were said as she was heading out the door, and what kinds of regrets she possibly has. It breaks my heart to think of all the "if only" thoughts she must be thinking. It also breaks my heart to imagine the despair and pain she is enduring. She'll never have a chance to apologize to him for any harsh words she had ever said, or any times she may have unintentionally made him feel unimportant. She'll never have a chance to tell him how much she loves and appreciates him, and how much she cherished him. She'll never have a chance to hold him close. Like I said, I don't know what words were said either positive or negative that day, but it would crush me if they were fighting or having a typical marital argument when she left, and those were the last words ever said. I would hate myself and would never forgive myself for not expressing my love regardless of the disagreement. I wouldn't want things to be like that.

Hold your families close. You never know what day will be your last. Again, live each day as though it'll be your last. Treat people in a manner that you would want to be remembered by. Let everyone in your life know how important they are to you and how much you appreciate them. Be mindful of needs, especially the unspoken ones. Make amends for any hurtful things that were said or done. Women, hug your men, compliment them, bend over backwards to show them that they are needed, wanted and loved. Men, hold and caress your women. Let them know how lost you'd be without them. Parents, love your kids. Openly. Spend quality time with them and don't act like it's an inconvenience. Show them that you are thankful that they came into your lives, and they would have an empty hole without them. Life is too short to put off apologies. Life is too long to live with regrets.

I am behind. Waaaay behind.

Once Christmas is over, and my headless chicken impersonation ebbs, I'll actually have time to update this blog! There's so much to tell you about: Fan clubs, hiking, snow, star lip gloss, gingerbread houses, Death by Latte, white elephants, MRI & bone scan, and even a birthday party. Yes, I have a lot to catch up on. 

In the meantime, I wish you all a wonderful Christmas! 

A very touching and eye opening funeral.

Where do I start? Okay, a week ago (refer to previous post) a UPS driver was killed when someone made a left hand turn in front of him. As I said in that post also, I hear about fatalities unfortunately all the time, but this particular one really affected me. Not only did I feel a loss from the UPS family, but I also felt a strange connection to this man, almost as though I somehow knew him. Whatever the connection was, I definitely felt the loss. It's a strange feeling grieving for someone I don't know, yet somehow I do. I was talking to someone about this accident, and was commenting that all the tragic, untimely deaths lately are people that are kind, compassionate, service oriented people with huge hearts who put themselves before others. Have you noticed that in the news? My first impression of Alan (after hearing of his death), was "I'll bet that he had a heart of gold, and is one of those people who will leave an impression on those he knew, and will leave a legacy for those he loved." Until I went to his funeral, I had no idea how accurate that was, but even that thought didn't even come close to the type of man that was presented to us that day. I got a small glimpse at how Christlike he was when I read his obituary, but it was at the services when I learned truly how remarkable of a man he was.

As we pulled up to the Stake Center, we saw UPS's first symbol of gratitude towards this man's service. Out on the street was one of their big brown trucks, with a large banner that covered the windshield and wrapped around the side mirrors. On the banner was a picture of Alan that was taken at the UPS center, on a plaque that commemorated a 25 years of service milestone. On the grill was a wreath with brown ribbons, with his name on one, and then a license plate frame that said "In loving memory of Alan Christoffersen." A large majority of UPSers showed up in uniform to show respect to him. There were hundreds there. Nolan & I were lucky to make it there just in time to find a seat in the chapel, arriving a half hour early. The chapel quickly filled up, as did the cultural hall. By the time the services started, the cultural hall was packed, standing room only. I can only imagine the view from the pulpit: family, friends, I'm sure many of his customers on his route, and then a sea of brown. Nolan, and Rob (another UPSer sitting on the other side of me) were both in tears during the opening hymn. The spirit was so strong in there, even listening to the prelude, that I knew that a man of God was lying in the casket before us. I was brought to tears as well, as I could feel that the world was feeling the loss of a good man, yet the heavens were rejoicing the return of a faithful servant.

His children all gave beautiful and touching tributes, as did his daughter in law & his wife. From those talks (without too much detail), I learned that he put God first in his life, and centered himself and God with his family. He was diligent with his scripture study, family home evening, & even held four callings, in which he was thankful for the opportunities to be of service. One of the callings being the nursery leader, and he LOVED that calling. (He MUST have a heart of gold to love nursery.) His sweet wife was saying that he would read during his lunch break, then for FHE, he'd start the family discussions by talking about the things that had impressed him during his reading throughout the week. She said that UPS brought her all his items from the truck, and among those was a stack of magazines about 8" tall, consisting of Ensigns, New Era's, Church News & even Friend magazines. All marked up, highlighted, & notes made where impressions were made. Also a set of scriptures. One daughter told us that she was complaining about a class she was taking, and was wanting to drop out because the teacher was next to impossible to deal with. His comment to her was along the lines of "You will not benefit from something that doesn't take work and sacrifice to accomplish it." His Bishop read a few comments from the KSL message boards, both from people on his route. One person was telling about a time that she was out trying to shovel her sidewalk & driveway, but was having an extremely difficult time because of some injury or illness. Alan saw her struggling, pulled over, and took 20 minutes of his time to shovel for her. (Which considering was during the Holiday peak time, was a big sacrifice on his part.) Another customer on his route mentioned that the way that Alan composed himself, and the spirit he emulated, said to him that Alan was truly wanting to live a quality life. Another thing his wife said that moved me was "Women, cook for your husbands. Cherish them." And also "I want you all to know that we hold absolutely no malice or anger towards the driver of the dump truck. Please keep him in your prayers. He has a long road of recovery ahead of him, and he and his family are dealing with a lot of pain. I couldn't imagine having to live with that." I am sure she was referring to not only a physical recovery, but also the pain and heartache of knowing he was the cause of the death. How does a heart ever heal from something like that? I don't think it ever does. He will forevermore hold that pain and regret in his heart, and yet, she has forgiven him and is showing love and mercy towards him. Those comments touched me deeply.

There was so so so much more said, I couldn't possibly repeat it all. But it really did get me thinking. What kind of life am I leading right now? Am I living what I want to be remembered by right now? It brings a significant meaning to the phrase "Live each day as if it were your last." That does not suggest being careless and avoiding responsibility. No. Instead, leave the house each morning with a huge hug and an I love you. Whenever you speak to somebody, pay them a compliment, or an expression of gratitude for something they've done for you. Go out of your way to be of service to somebody, even if it's simply opening the door if their hands are full. Don't speak negatively about other people. Smile. Make sure there are no loose ends, no unsaid apologies. I know that I struggle in that, but I am striving to be a better person, one that will be remembered as kind and thoughtful, selfless and compassionate, caring and nurturing. I hope to be able to bless people's lives in one way or another. I was truly blessed by Alan's. I never met him, but he did bless me by being the type of man he was, by setting an example. By showing me how many lives were touched because of his disposition, and his kind spirit.

I have a lot to work towards.

The UPS truck, minus the banner.

The sea of brown out on the lawn by the church.

Just need a quick vent...

I am highly irritated at the moment for two reasons. First, people who don't watch what they're doing while driving, and second, those who make very inappropriate and insensitive comments.

Okay. Nolan's job obviously has him out on the roads all day every day, which also puts him out with idiot drivers. I have to admit that there are many many days that I have "day terrors" where my mind starts to go down the "what if" road, and I start to imagine up horrific scenarios where Nolan ends up on life support, or even worse, dead, due to involvement in a nasty accident while on the job. I end up having a near anxiety attack, wondering if I'm being mentally prepared for that day that I'll get the phone call. It sounds stupid, but I honestly do worry. And then when he comes home and tells me about all the idiot drivers that he had to deal with, and a few near misses, it only intensifies my concerns. 

I am well aware that fatalities happen more often than they should, and unfortunately they don't usually upset me because they're so common, and just a part of life. People making errors in their driving, which causes collisions, which causes the loss of innocent life. Tragically common. However, sometimes the circumstances stir up emotions because they hit close to home. Like today. 

A UPS driver was killed this morning when the driver of a dump truck made an error of judgement, and made a left hand turn in front of the UPSer. He was killed upon impact. Now, because of the error of one man, a family has lost their father, a wife has lost her husband. Even though I don't know this man, since UPS for some reason feels like a big family, I do feel some sort of a loss. Perhaps it's because I can imagine what his poor wife is going through right now, as news of this has rekindled my fears about Nolan being killed in his truck because of someone being impatient, or just not paying attention. What really hits me is the thought of never being able to say good bye. Just watching him walk out the door to leave for work, not really taking time for a hug & kiss goodbye, or even an I love you, because of the crazy chaos of getting the kids ready for school and out the door on time, assuming he'll return that evening. But then things like this happen within a split second, and your course of life is forever changed, or gone.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=4946499

I can't even begin to tell you how much this frightens me. Please people, PAY ATTENTION ON THE ROAD!!! I don't care if you're in a hurry, just slow down and wait for 10 seconds. It's not worth risking it. Don't take people's family away from them.

The other thing that is irritating me, is that some people are making light of this saying things like "Less competition for FedEx" or "The FedEx guy jumped him" Oh yeah, I'm sure the families of the men involved are just getting a kick out of your wit, and laughing at your dry jokes, just as I would be if it were my husband killed in his UPS truck. (Rolls eyes). Seriously, it is not funny, and is very offensive. Some UPS/FedEx jokes are tolerable (and old), but in this case is very inappropriate. We're not laughing.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

What is sad is that I am used to being tired and worn out, all the time. I guess if I really think about it, I pretty much chronically have mild flu like symptoms. Always tired, always achey, always with a headache of some degree. It's miserable when people ask me "How are you?" Well, if I say that I'm fine, or I'm good, they'll look at me and say "Yeah, right." Or "Liar." However, if I am honest when they ask me how I'm doing, and my answer is that I don't feel very well, they'll just roll their eyes and think "There she goes again. Does she ever feel well? Does she ever NOT complain?" It's a bit of a catch 22, and a stupid one at that. But really! I am sick of feeling yucky all the time! Like this weekend, for example, especially yesterday. Not only have I been feeling like I'm recovering from being hit by a train, but I apparently caught some sort of a bug or something. Yesterday, my stomach was literally grinding all day. I felt like something nasty was brewing and waiting for an opportunity to escape. I left church feeling like I was about to explode out either end, I wasn't sure. Then, we went to my parent's house for dinner, and I laid on the couch the whole time clutching my stomach. In the middle of the night last night, I broke out in a raging fever, my clothes were sticking to me (and completely damp), and I was still feeling like my stomach was tied up like a pretzel. I'm hoping that whatever it was, the fever was the grand finale, and that I'll start feeling better, which will take me back to my usual tired, achey and yucky self, which I'm looking forward to after yesterday. How sad is that?

What am I thankful for?

Today is a bit of a lonely day for me, and I am trying as hard as I can to keep my chin up, but despite my efforts, I feel a flood of tears just waiting to spill over. Part of the loneliness is because we have no family or friends to share dinner with today. It's an odd feeling doing all the baking that you would normally divide up between people, yet have no one to share it with. I wonder why I'm even bothering? Today I have literally been in the kitchen for the past 6 hours doing nothing but cooking & doing dishes. Why? We can't possibly eat all of this ourselves, and on every other normal day cooking for my family, I would never even consider devoting my whole day into cooking for one meal. But it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, fresh bread and pumpkin pie, so I guess I'm calling on tradition as my excuse. But Thanksgiving tradition also calls for family and friends to enjoy the feast. And of those, I have none with us. It saddens me. I'm not sure what hurts the most though, the loneliness, or the invitations we have given out that have been either ignored or forgotten, and alternate plans were made despite our open invitation. It really makes me feel like we're not important. And that hurts.
The other part of the loneliness is the feeling that is haunting me that I have somehow alienated myself from those that I care about. Either that or I have pushed them away. I know that I've done something wrong when phone calls aren't returned, messages aren't replied to, and invitations to do something are immediately denied with some excuse. But what I'm trying to figure out is what I could have possibly done wrong to push so many people away. I've had times of loneliness in my life, but I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever felt more alone than I do right now. What could I possibly have done that has repelled everyone away from me? Or is this the Lord's way of telling me that I need to take a step back, and have some time for myself? I just don't know what to think right now.

So I've been thinking of what I am thankful for, despite today's emotions. They may not seem like much, but to me they're all a huge blessing to me in their own ways.
I am thankful that I have a warm house to live in, with a way to cook our food, and even food to cook!
I am thankful that I have 3 beautiful and wonderful children. They may drive me crazy with worry, but I'd be nobody without them.
I am thankful for my angel baby, and the blessings he brought to our lives in his short time here.
I am thankful that I have a knowledge of the Gospel, that gives me hope that I'll be with my angel baby again.
I am thankful that I have a place to work. Even though the conditions at the moment are less than ideal, and have caused me a great deal of heartache, I am thankful that I am still there.
I am thankful that I have a good car that allows me to get us to where we need, but also allows me a bit of freedom.
I am thankful that I can afford gas for my car.
I am thankful for my 2 cats, that love me unconditionally (when they're in the mood, of course) but give me a sense of appreciation when they love on me and purr and purr and purr. Makes me feel important.
I am thankful for my wonderful husband, who still loves me despite all my many faults, and does his best to show me that.
I am thankful also that my wonderful husband has a good stable & secure job that he's loyal to. I don't have to worry about unemployment, and that is a major blessing right there.
I am thankful for paint, for adding color to my home.
I am thankful for my friends, who each have all blessed me in their own individual ways. I know that the Lord crossed our paths with a purpose.
I am thankful for electricity and natural gas. It'd be cold and dark without them.
I am thankful for my Bosch, that grinds my wheat & kneads my dough, and makes making fresh bread quite simple.
I am thankful for itunes and my ipod. Music soothes me. Music inspires me. Music fills many voids.
I am thankful for books, and especially thankful that I am able to read them and have enough of an imagination to escape into them.
I am thankful for my cordless phone, and the distance it transmits.
I am thankful for crutches, which made moving around possible after my knee surgery.
I am thankful for spaghetti. ;)
I am thankful that I have a working washing machine and a working dryer.
I am thankful for yummy smelling laundry detergent and fabric softener.
I am thankful for candles, and their many purposes to me.
I am thankful for my education that I had, and that I was able to apply myself and get a 4.0
I am also very thankful that I am a smart person, and was able to (and still do) understand anatomy.
I am thankful for apples and carrots, and other yummy tasting fruits and veggies.
I am thankful for my amazing Mac laptop!
I am thankful that I have a camera, one that I can use for an emotional outlet.
I am thankful for my long hair.
I am thankful that I have all my limbs, and that I am able to walk.
I am thankful that I am not in the hospital.
I am thankful that I have an electric blanket.
I am thankful for water. I'd be dehydrated without it.
I am thankful for flowers for many many reasons.
I am thankful for my bra, which in sense is my greatest support.

I could go on and on, but I'll end with this:
I am thankful that I am alive, and that I am able to tell you the things I am thankful for.
Hopefully in some way or another, I'll be a blessing to you, and in turn, you'll be thankful for me.