There is a reason for everything

And definitely, blessings come in strange ways. It is interesting when you look back at situations that at the time seem devastating and like everything is going against you. Then realize that those moments definitely opened an opportunity for something else to happen, or perhaps could have saved your life.

This has been a horrible week for me, mostly emotionally. Last Wednesday, I met with the surgeon and had come to the conclusion that the best option for surgery would be to remove the whole disc and fuse the vertebrae. We scheduled it for the following Thursday, to give me a week to get things situated. I felt okay with it at the time, then immediately the anxiety and panic set in. I wasn't necessarily worried about the surgery itself, but how it would impact the rest of my life. I wondered how it would effect massage, if I'd be able to lift and hold babies, even if I'd be able to hike with the weight of a pack. I just felt very unsettled and terrified. I literally was a nervous wreck. I bawled and bawled for 4 days straight, with such fear and dread for my future. But knew that if I didn't go through with the surgery, I could very possibly lose all nerve function in my right leg. And that would have affected my future even more than the surgery. I just felt stuck.

Monday, I get a phone call from the Surgeon's assistant saying that my insurance company denied the pre-authorization, stating that my eligibility date for that surgery wouldn't be until Sept. 1. Not knowing if I'd even be able to walk by the first of September, I hit an even bigger panic. At this point I honestly felt that everything was in it's power was working against me, trying to slowly maim me. September would have been too late. I knew it. After calling and unsuccessfully bawling out the insurance company (in a state of panicked rage), I had remembered another option that he had mentioned that would fix the problem in the leg, but not the whole problem. At the time of negotiation, it didn't seem like a feasible option for many different reasons, so it was pushed aside. Now it felt right. Made a few more phone calls, and by Tuesday, that other surgery had been authorized, and we were still on for Thursday.

The anxiety and panic had left me. I felt so much calmer.

Now, looking back, I can see how that denial was a huge blessing. Even though I'll still be living with back pain, I'll have the pressure taken off the nerve. Somewhere down the road, I may need to go back in and have the vertebrae fused, but for now, I honestly feel that this may be all that I needed. With "downgrading" the surgery, it changed me from an inpatient to an outpatient surgery. It also cut my down time in half, so hopefully I'll be back to work in the month. And most importantly, Dr. Moulder pointed out that fusing the vertebrae would just open the door for my already slipping L5-S1 disc to completely herniate. Which would put me right back into the situation I was in, which would put me into requiring another major surgery. So for now, I can live with the ache in my back. I've been living with it for years. I'll live with it for more. But the nerve compression is now gone, and that was causing the bigger problems.

Now that I look back, I thought the world was against me. No, the world was trying to save me. And the panic and fear was my first clue. I didn't need the fully invasive surgery. For now, this is all that I needed.

And, today is the first day that I've actually been awake for a good portion of the day. I'm still coming off the effects of the morphine and demerol, and have plenty of lortab and phenegran in my system, and I feel like I'm rambling, so I apologize if I've repeated myself multiple times, and don't make sense anywhere else. I feel like my brain is on a 10 second delay. It's quite amusing, actually. I'm just happy that I'm able to focus on my laptop, and most importantly, that I'm posting from the comfort of my home and not a hospital room. Yes, I am blessed.

*Disclaimer* Very unsettled when this was written.

I wrote this a few days ago, and have been debating whether or not to post it. Even though the anger-hurt-disappointment emotions have settled a bit (but the frightened emotions have definitely taken front seat), I am still hurt at the general situation and figured I'd just better let it out. So, even though I do mean what I wrote, I'm not too proud of how it was written at the time.

It was originally titled "Why I haven't blogged for a while."

Word got back to me that someone in my group of family/friends has been accusing me of making up medical problems for attention. And that deep hurt and let down has pretty much killed any inspiration and motivation I may have had to post anything at all. Because after all, anything I post is for attention, apparently. Well, I've come to the conclusion that someone who makes those kinds of accusations are guilty of doing the exact same thing themselves, making things up or exaggerating something for attention, and that I really shouldn't take it personally. But it's me, and I take everything personally. I have a very hard time understanding two things: First, for someone who has been told by many that she has a very caring, selfless and service oriented heart (AND has a very hard time accepting any service herself), how could it possibly be in their nature to be deceiving for personal gain of sympathy? Second, how could someone possibly fake a medical issue that has been ongoing for years, progressively getting worse, and has been under the watchful eye of specialists? How can someone fake problems that show up on an MRI? That's just beyond me. And now I'm looking at needing surgery that I really should have had a year ago, but have been trying to work through and live with the pain. I didn't want to be a burden on my friends and family, neighbors & ward members. I just have been dealing with it, taking it day to day. The pain I've been living with has been pretty severe, and many days I cry on my way home from work, and many nights I cry myself to sleep because of the deep burning pain. It's come across as depression. Well, sorry if I've been a bit moody and down, and anti-social. I'm doing everything I can to not constantly whine and complain. Trust me, if I had any choice, I'd choose NOT to be dealing with this, and I'd choose to have a very healthy body. I don't enjoy this at all.

For many years, I've had a deep ache in my lower back. Once in a while it would get so bad that I could barely move. I'd get ample treatment to relieve the symptom, but never found a cause. At that time I figured it was all muscular, and I had just "pulled a muscle" while twisting and bending, or twisting and reaching just the wrong way. Luckily those episodes were few and far between, but were progressively getting closer each time, and with more intensity. I was finally referred by my family doctor to a specialist, where an MRI was done. That MRI showed that I have arthritis in my lower spine that is causing bone degeneration. It also showed that the L4-L5 disc was herniated, and also starting to degenerate. The herniation was on the right, and was up against the right nerve root. So the treatments started with steroid injections to relieve inflammation and hopefully reduce the pressure on the nerve. After a year of physical therapy, many shots in the back, and two invasive nerve root injections, unfortunately the symptoms didn't go away, but progressively got worse. The pain in my low back has become a constant companion, always burning, always throbbing, almost nauseating. It then got to the point that my thigh felt like I had a blood pressure cuff tightening around it, and along the nerve pathway I felt constant hot stinging pain. It started to affect the way I was walking because I felt like my right leg was full of hot lead, and my muscles were struggling to comply with their instructions. My right leg had weak reflexes. So 14 months later, MRI #2 on my low spine, and yet another referral to an even more specialized Doctor to discuss a possible surgery to remove the portion of the disc that was causing the problems. Big sigh. So, MRI #2 showed that the disc had herniated even more, and was totally compressing the right nerve root. That explains the pressure and stinging pain in my leg. MRI #2 also showed that the disc that 14 months ago was starting to degenerate is now completely diseased.

So I met with the back surgeon yesterday, and spent 2 hours discussing, weighing pros and cons, and ultimately coming to a very difficult decision, for both of us. With the disc being diseased, the idea of just cutting off the herniated part was no longer an option, as that would expose the spinal fluid to the diseased tissue. The whole disc would have to be removed, replaced with a synthetic one, and the surrounding vertebrae would have to be fused. The other option would be to let it be, and risk the disc rupturing and oozing the infected tissue into the spinal fluid. Risk of an infection in the brain. Risk of death. Obviously I choose surgery, even though through my rehab, surgery has always been an option only as a last resort. This particular surgery is very invasive, they'll not only have to cut through spine stabilizing muscles and tendons, but through bone as well. I'll be laid up for weeks, maybe months depending on how my body responds. Rehab will be major, as I'll be having to retrain my muscles to stabilize my spine. I will be unable to give massages for a while, unable to do something I love. I may not even be able to hike this spring and summer, unable to go surround myself with the beauty of our mountains that I just love.

Now I ask you this: Why would anyone choose to do something like that for attention? Why would I choose to deprive myself, and put myself in such agony for attention? Sheesh. Maybe I should be proud of myself and pat myself on the back. After all, that's some pretty crafty talent, being able to make up a problem that's quite visible on an MRI. Just shaking my head here.

And now I tell you this: People don't have to have missing limbs or be in casts to have a medical problem. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. For those who make rude comments to someone that doesn't look disabled parking in a disabled spot, you don't know if they have a heart condition, or an amputated foot. Or if they have a disabled child in a wheelchair that has not yet been taken out of the car. And it's also none of your business. Just be thankful you have two legs to walk with, and the health to do so. Don't live your life in such a way that it's necessary to put others down to boost yourself up. And last, but not least, remember that nobody is perfect. Neither are their bodies.

This is one of the images from last weeks MRI. The disc that is diseased is the L4-L5 disc. On this picture, it's quite obvious which one it is. You can easily see how much it's compressing the nerve. Also, see how all the discs have a white core and that one doesn't? That dark color shows that the disc is diseased, which is the main reason the whole disc has to be removed, and the surrounding vertebrae fused. Otherwise we'd be doing a much less invasive surgery of just cutting off the portion that is herniated.

Now all I can say is that if that person still thinks that I am making this up for attention, then they need some serious mental health help.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

And a problem, I do have. Well, many problems. But I'm only going to admit to two of them at the moment. First, I am not the most organized person. Second, I collect recipes. And they're not organized. At least they're all confined in one location, mostly.

There are, of course recipes on sticky notes that are placed in various places through out my kitchen.



Junk mail envelopes make great recipe cards.

Some of them are well loved. Very much. And not very legible. But you know a good recipe when it's smeared and splattered with ingredients. Not to mention that it makes opening up to a specific recipe very easy.

The sad thing about this is that I'm not much of a recipe follower. I'll look at a recipe for a basis, then I'll throw in things and omit things based on my preferences, but the majority of my cooking is done by looking in the cupboard and seeing what stands out as a good addition.

Yeah, I have a recipe problem.

I'm missing the mountains.

"You don't know what you've got until it's gone..." Not that the mountains are gone, but my ability to hike in them is gone for the moment. I took for granted the good health I was feeling, and the strength I had gained. Then, literally overnight, it was gone. Having the herniated disc completely compress the nerve root made it difficult to bend, twist and lift and reach, and even more difficult to walk. Where I had been feeling strong and limber one day, the next I was feeling like I needed to join the silver haired elderly in their walkers. Hopefully the spinal procedure will work it's magic and allow me the blessings of visiting the mountains again. I need to shift my perspective to a WHEN, not if. Otherwise, I'm handing myself a life sentence. When. I will make it back up there. It's just a matter of when.

Small, small glimpse of what I'm missing.

Some people, and their maturity level showing on the roads.

I've heard about road rage for years, and have gotten a little irritated myself while on the road. But I don't think I've ever experienced actual road rage, and have been afraid of someone else on the road. At the same time, I'm not sure if I've ever had such a strong urge to rear end somebody, as I did the other day. What a day. And what shining examples to Britty as to what NOT to do while on the road. Within a few hours time, too.

Our first encounter happened in the canyon between Heber and Strawberry Reservoir. We were on a stretch of road that the east bounders had two lanes, for many many miles. I was in the right hand lane, speeding a little bit, actually. This huge pick up truck hauling a camping trailer came barreling up behind me, having to slow down as they approached me. This did not make them happy. Despite there being a car in front of me setting my pace, they apparently took it personally that I was purposely slowing down just to spite them. So they passed me. Okay. That's what passing lanes are for. Good riddance to you. As they passed me, the passenger flipped me off. Okay? What did I do? I'm driving, minding my own business, and they flip me off because they are able to pass me? Whatever.

Well, a few miles later, we start to climb a steep hill, and guess what? They're hauling so much weight that they lose momentum going up the hill. Well, I'm not really in the mood to crawl up the hill at 30 mph behind them, so I move into the passing lane, and I pass them, as anyone would have the right to. This time both the driver AND passenger have their arms out of their windows, shaking their fists while telling me that I am number one. And trying to gun it up the hill to pass me again. Seriously! What did I do to them? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just a victim of proximity. So at this point, I was realizing that they probably have guns, and are pissed off enough to use them, albeit unjustified, so I booked it. Did not want them on my trail. Big sigh. Idiots.

A little while later, as we were approaching our destination, we were on another stretch of road that had 2 lanes. As the lanes were merging into one, there was a car in the other lane that was racing me to be in front, even though technically I had the right of way. But being as I am, and not wanting to risk anything, I slowed down and allowed them over. Usually that would result in a friendly "thank you" wave from the other car. Oh no. This resulted in 3 stupid teenagers who had nothing better to do with their time, deciding to mess with me. I'm sure they knew the area well, and knew that the road was one lane for 15 miles or so, with no passing lanes. So they slow down to around 40 mph to see if they could get a rise out of me. Okay, so I slow down to 40. What choice do I have? The next 20 minutes consisted of them looking back at me periodically and laughing. So I knew they weren't just out for the view, but they were slowing down on purpose. I was getting pretty irritated at this point, and if I didn't like my car so much, I'd have sped up and plowed into the back of their little Nissan. But the "Passing lane, 1 mile" sign gave me hope, so I refrained. I said to Britty "I'll bet you anything as soon as they hit the passing lane they'll speed up so I can't pass them." Sure enough. As soon as the second lane appeared, they took off.

Oh, at this point was not going to let them get away with it, and decided to play their game. Shouldn't have, but I did. So I gunned it. And yes, my Pacifica outran their little Nissan. They all stared at me and Britty with "What!? No way!" faces as we passed. I quickly got in front of them. Well, the SUV behind me was also tired of their little slow game, and immediately took the spot in the lane next to me, blocking any possible passing path for the stupid punks. I looked over at the driver in the lane next to me to give him an "I am so sorry, it wasn't me" expression, and was amused to find him looking at me as well, and motioning to me to slow down. So I did. And we coasted side by side, rather slow, enjoying watching the kids behind us swerve from lane to lane, trying to get around us. We kept that pace for the rest of the way into Vernal. Heh heh. Yeah, real mature of me, I know. But once in a while, I play their games and show them how stupid they really are. For my own sanity, of course. I don't have alcohol to fall back on. ;)

Seriously though, drive carefully, not aggressively. Those could have been two potentially dangerous situations. And one persons judgement could cost a life.

VNV concert

On Friday, Nolan, Britty & I went to see yet another amazing VNV Nation concert. I stayed in the back happily watching in a safe "I'm not gonna get trampled" zone. Britty, however, had to be in the energy of it all. Best place for a teenager, of course.

So Nolan found this video of Friday's concert, and we found Britty! If you pause it and move the scroll bar to 26 seconds, you'll see Britty. There are 2 arms raised right up front, (well, there are a LOT of arms raised, but there are two right up front and are extra illuminated) she is between them, wearing a black and white VNV soccer jersey.

Enjoy!

At a loss of words.

So I'll post a few of my pictures that reflect my emotions.

I have a confession to make.

I struggle with this blog. Obviously. Not because I think it's a waste of time, it's not that at all. It's only that I feel a bit overwhelmed. So much is going on, I don't have prioritized time to post, (not to mention that uploading images takes more time than it should) and then I get a bit of anxiety of the "where do I start, and how do I catch up." Then I read other blogs that are written like stories, and continually unfolding the drama, and I feel incredibly inadequate with my lack of writing talent. I do have inspirations once in a while, but otherwise, it appears that I do in fact lead a very boring life in that respect. At least a boring imagination. ;) Regardless, I'll make more of an effort to find blog worthy events, and actually blog about them.

Any suggestions for the uninspired?

Tagged... I'm it!

For this tag (thanks Sarah) I get to post the 4th image in my 4th photo folder. Which happens to be this:

This was taken about a year ago, in my back yard. I had just purchased a macro lens set for my camera, and being the geek that I am, I was elated to have my first little photo shoot out in the rain! It made for some beautiful pictures, one of which I won an award for. I can't wait for my flowers to bloom again, so I can do it again. :)

 Now I tag... Michelle, Tyffanie, Heather, Lori-ann, and Amy. Yes, Amy, you are now officially obligated to start your own Clayson family blog... ;)

De-luxe by Lush, and my amusement.

So we gave in and bought Rock Band on Saturday. We've played it at our friend's homes, and have had a blast. Nolan's urges were just too much, and he caved in. The result was he and I staying up until 3:30 in the morning, then starting again around 9 am. LOL. Well, Nolan's goal was to unlock De-luxe, an amazing song by Lush.

Okay, so I've known and loved this song for at least 16 years. However, I never really knew what the words were. Some, yes. But the rest? Well, I just kinda sang along with general sounds. It worked for me. It wasn't until Nolan unlocked it yesterday, and I got to sing along that I learned what all the words were. You want a random song? Here it is! I was laughing while singing, I'm amazed I still got 100%, and a "flawless" status. So now whenever I have aching legs, I'll just blame it on the grass in my thighs.

De-Luxe:

I’ve been waiting on the slide

Suggest I open wide
No incentive to hide
Happy coursing through my veins
Don’t even know my name
When I’m up you’re coming down

Inside of me, some sight to see
Some sight to feel our earthy bed

When we’re wrapped in polythene
What’s that supposed to mean
Paper flowers bring me luck
No birds in sight I fear
Stick sticks in you my dear
When I’m up you’re coming down

Some say I’m vague
And I’d easily fade
Foolish parade of fantasy

Drink in your eyes
Drink in you sighs
Grass in my thighs my aching legs

"Seek and ye shall find"

I was rewarded Friday morning with a very sweet surprise while on my way to work. The road I take passes by some farms, and this particular morning, the trees and fence fading into the fog caught my eye. Of course I had my camera, and I had some extra time, so I pulled over, crossed the street, and took these pictures: 

And a few more, of course. Anyway, as the sun started to rise, the fog became illuminated to the point that the camera would not focus anymore, so I figured my photo session for the morning was officially over. So I turned around to cross the street, and this is what I turned around to:

And yes, I was brought to tears, but this time, instead of tears of devastation, they were tears of gratitude for allowing me to have another glimpse of something so breathtakingly beautiful. 

Does this not look like an angel?

As I was driving to my office, I was thinking of  how interesting it was that I was allowed a small glimpse that first morning. Then I attempted to seek it out many times with no success. I still found very beautiful things, and was still grateful for what I did see, but I was still seeking that sunrise none the less. Then, on a morning when I was not expecting it, nor actively looking for it, I was rewarded. I think Wendy summed it up the best. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” (Matthew 7:7,8) The Lord, after my seeking, gave me a much treasured gift. Not right when I wanted it, but when it was His time to give it. And for those small things, I am forever grateful.

A pathetically sad story.

So I am officially obsessed with my camera. Considering I've loaded almost 6000 images on my beloved MacBook since *ahem* May, I'd say that's a bit obsessive. I've been trying to figure out why I like to take so many pictures, and I've come to a few conclusions. Either I am afraid if I don't capture it, either I can't prove I saw it, or I'll be afraid I won't remember what it looked like. OR, this is my outlet, my way to find things that visually express how I feel inside. I find something, some form of natural beauty that touches me, and I want to share that with others so they too can see the beauty that they would otherwise overlook. I am leaning on the outlet. 

So why is this a pathetically sad story? Well, I usually take my camera with me, and at least have it in my car, just in case. ;) Last week, as I was walking out the door to take the kids to school, I grabbed my camera off the hall table, then put it back telling myself "You're just taking them to school, then you're coming right back home. You don't need the camera." So I left it home.

On my way back home, one of the roads I take crosses over the Provo River, and passes an RV park right along the river that has hundreds of tall mature trees. That particular morning, the fog was so thick that I could only see a few car lengths ahead of me. Just as I was approaching the river, the sun started to rise from behind the mountain, which instantly turned the gray fog between the trees into a brilliant deep amber glow. Then, as the sun was a bit further up, it sent thick streaks of the sun's rays cutting through the fog, being interrupted by the trees. It literally took my breath away. I on impulse, pulled over and reached for my camera. Which I left at home. I started crying. I was devastated that I wasn't able to capture that intensely beautiful moment. I am pathetic.

Here are the trees, and the sunrise, just minus the fog.

Imagine the picture above with sun ray streaks like this:


But foggier and orange like this:

It was stunning.

I still get teary eyed when I think of it, almost as if I am mourning a terrible loss. I have even stalked that very spot almost every morning since hoping to get the same glimpse, but with no luck. I think it's official that I am obsessed.

Another heartbreaking yet eye opening event.

Last month, after the sudden death of Alan, it brought to my mind the fine line of mortality. I couldn't help but think about how different things would be if I KNEW that I'd see that person for the last time. Would I treat them differently? Would I make sure any wrongs I had done were made right? Would I bite my tongue when I'm about to say something potentially hurtful? Would my senses be heightened and would I be more aware of their unspoken needs? Would I make sure that before we part I gave them a hug and an I love you? 

As I lay in bed at night, either in Nolan's arms or him in mine, those thoughts keep coming back to me, along with a deep gratitude that when we both left in the morning, that parting was not our last. I hold him extra tight and realize how blessed I am that he is here with me, that he was able to make it through the day, and make it home. A split second decision or indecision can take life away with no warning. Am I treating him in the manner that if something would happen, I wouldn't have any regrets? Or that if something were to happen to me, he would know that I loved and cherished him, and that our last moments together were happy loving ones? I sure hope so. I know I'm nowhere near perfect with my attitude, but I'm trying, and will continue to work on that.

On Friday, all those feelings were intensified tenfold. A friend & neighbor of mine, left for the grocery store, with her kids home with her hubby. When she returned home, she found her husband had passed away. I couldn't help but wonder what kinds of words were said as she was heading out the door, and what kinds of regrets she possibly has. It breaks my heart to think of all the "if only" thoughts she must be thinking. It also breaks my heart to imagine the despair and pain she is enduring. She'll never have a chance to apologize to him for any harsh words she had ever said, or any times she may have unintentionally made him feel unimportant. She'll never have a chance to tell him how much she loves and appreciates him, and how much she cherished him. She'll never have a chance to hold him close. Like I said, I don't know what words were said either positive or negative that day, but it would crush me if they were fighting or having a typical marital argument when she left, and those were the last words ever said. I would hate myself and would never forgive myself for not expressing my love regardless of the disagreement. I wouldn't want things to be like that.

Hold your families close. You never know what day will be your last. Again, live each day as though it'll be your last. Treat people in a manner that you would want to be remembered by. Let everyone in your life know how important they are to you and how much you appreciate them. Be mindful of needs, especially the unspoken ones. Make amends for any hurtful things that were said or done. Women, hug your men, compliment them, bend over backwards to show them that they are needed, wanted and loved. Men, hold and caress your women. Let them know how lost you'd be without them. Parents, love your kids. Openly. Spend quality time with them and don't act like it's an inconvenience. Show them that you are thankful that they came into your lives, and they would have an empty hole without them. Life is too short to put off apologies. Life is too long to live with regrets.

I am behind. Waaaay behind.

Once Christmas is over, and my headless chicken impersonation ebbs, I'll actually have time to update this blog! There's so much to tell you about: Fan clubs, hiking, snow, star lip gloss, gingerbread houses, Death by Latte, white elephants, MRI & bone scan, and even a birthday party. Yes, I have a lot to catch up on. 

In the meantime, I wish you all a wonderful Christmas! 

A very touching and eye opening funeral.

Where do I start? Okay, a week ago (refer to previous post) a UPS driver was killed when someone made a left hand turn in front of him. As I said in that post also, I hear about fatalities unfortunately all the time, but this particular one really affected me. Not only did I feel a loss from the UPS family, but I also felt a strange connection to this man, almost as though I somehow knew him. Whatever the connection was, I definitely felt the loss. It's a strange feeling grieving for someone I don't know, yet somehow I do. I was talking to someone about this accident, and was commenting that all the tragic, untimely deaths lately are people that are kind, compassionate, service oriented people with huge hearts who put themselves before others. Have you noticed that in the news? My first impression of Alan (after hearing of his death), was "I'll bet that he had a heart of gold, and is one of those people who will leave an impression on those he knew, and will leave a legacy for those he loved." Until I went to his funeral, I had no idea how accurate that was, but even that thought didn't even come close to the type of man that was presented to us that day. I got a small glimpse at how Christlike he was when I read his obituary, but it was at the services when I learned truly how remarkable of a man he was.

As we pulled up to the Stake Center, we saw UPS's first symbol of gratitude towards this man's service. Out on the street was one of their big brown trucks, with a large banner that covered the windshield and wrapped around the side mirrors. On the banner was a picture of Alan that was taken at the UPS center, on a plaque that commemorated a 25 years of service milestone. On the grill was a wreath with brown ribbons, with his name on one, and then a license plate frame that said "In loving memory of Alan Christoffersen." A large majority of UPSers showed up in uniform to show respect to him. There were hundreds there. Nolan & I were lucky to make it there just in time to find a seat in the chapel, arriving a half hour early. The chapel quickly filled up, as did the cultural hall. By the time the services started, the cultural hall was packed, standing room only. I can only imagine the view from the pulpit: family, friends, I'm sure many of his customers on his route, and then a sea of brown. Nolan, and Rob (another UPSer sitting on the other side of me) were both in tears during the opening hymn. The spirit was so strong in there, even listening to the prelude, that I knew that a man of God was lying in the casket before us. I was brought to tears as well, as I could feel that the world was feeling the loss of a good man, yet the heavens were rejoicing the return of a faithful servant.

His children all gave beautiful and touching tributes, as did his daughter in law & his wife. From those talks (without too much detail), I learned that he put God first in his life, and centered himself and God with his family. He was diligent with his scripture study, family home evening, & even held four callings, in which he was thankful for the opportunities to be of service. One of the callings being the nursery leader, and he LOVED that calling. (He MUST have a heart of gold to love nursery.) His sweet wife was saying that he would read during his lunch break, then for FHE, he'd start the family discussions by talking about the things that had impressed him during his reading throughout the week. She said that UPS brought her all his items from the truck, and among those was a stack of magazines about 8" tall, consisting of Ensigns, New Era's, Church News & even Friend magazines. All marked up, highlighted, & notes made where impressions were made. Also a set of scriptures. One daughter told us that she was complaining about a class she was taking, and was wanting to drop out because the teacher was next to impossible to deal with. His comment to her was along the lines of "You will not benefit from something that doesn't take work and sacrifice to accomplish it." His Bishop read a few comments from the KSL message boards, both from people on his route. One person was telling about a time that she was out trying to shovel her sidewalk & driveway, but was having an extremely difficult time because of some injury or illness. Alan saw her struggling, pulled over, and took 20 minutes of his time to shovel for her. (Which considering was during the Holiday peak time, was a big sacrifice on his part.) Another customer on his route mentioned that the way that Alan composed himself, and the spirit he emulated, said to him that Alan was truly wanting to live a quality life. Another thing his wife said that moved me was "Women, cook for your husbands. Cherish them." And also "I want you all to know that we hold absolutely no malice or anger towards the driver of the dump truck. Please keep him in your prayers. He has a long road of recovery ahead of him, and he and his family are dealing with a lot of pain. I couldn't imagine having to live with that." I am sure she was referring to not only a physical recovery, but also the pain and heartache of knowing he was the cause of the death. How does a heart ever heal from something like that? I don't think it ever does. He will forevermore hold that pain and regret in his heart, and yet, she has forgiven him and is showing love and mercy towards him. Those comments touched me deeply.

There was so so so much more said, I couldn't possibly repeat it all. But it really did get me thinking. What kind of life am I leading right now? Am I living what I want to be remembered by right now? It brings a significant meaning to the phrase "Live each day as if it were your last." That does not suggest being careless and avoiding responsibility. No. Instead, leave the house each morning with a huge hug and an I love you. Whenever you speak to somebody, pay them a compliment, or an expression of gratitude for something they've done for you. Go out of your way to be of service to somebody, even if it's simply opening the door if their hands are full. Don't speak negatively about other people. Smile. Make sure there are no loose ends, no unsaid apologies. I know that I struggle in that, but I am striving to be a better person, one that will be remembered as kind and thoughtful, selfless and compassionate, caring and nurturing. I hope to be able to bless people's lives in one way or another. I was truly blessed by Alan's. I never met him, but he did bless me by being the type of man he was, by setting an example. By showing me how many lives were touched because of his disposition, and his kind spirit.

I have a lot to work towards.

The UPS truck, minus the banner.

The sea of brown out on the lawn by the church.

Just need a quick vent...

I am highly irritated at the moment for two reasons. First, people who don't watch what they're doing while driving, and second, those who make very inappropriate and insensitive comments.

Okay. Nolan's job obviously has him out on the roads all day every day, which also puts him out with idiot drivers. I have to admit that there are many many days that I have "day terrors" where my mind starts to go down the "what if" road, and I start to imagine up horrific scenarios where Nolan ends up on life support, or even worse, dead, due to involvement in a nasty accident while on the job. I end up having a near anxiety attack, wondering if I'm being mentally prepared for that day that I'll get the phone call. It sounds stupid, but I honestly do worry. And then when he comes home and tells me about all the idiot drivers that he had to deal with, and a few near misses, it only intensifies my concerns. 

I am well aware that fatalities happen more often than they should, and unfortunately they don't usually upset me because they're so common, and just a part of life. People making errors in their driving, which causes collisions, which causes the loss of innocent life. Tragically common. However, sometimes the circumstances stir up emotions because they hit close to home. Like today. 

A UPS driver was killed this morning when the driver of a dump truck made an error of judgement, and made a left hand turn in front of the UPSer. He was killed upon impact. Now, because of the error of one man, a family has lost their father, a wife has lost her husband. Even though I don't know this man, since UPS for some reason feels like a big family, I do feel some sort of a loss. Perhaps it's because I can imagine what his poor wife is going through right now, as news of this has rekindled my fears about Nolan being killed in his truck because of someone being impatient, or just not paying attention. What really hits me is the thought of never being able to say good bye. Just watching him walk out the door to leave for work, not really taking time for a hug & kiss goodbye, or even an I love you, because of the crazy chaos of getting the kids ready for school and out the door on time, assuming he'll return that evening. But then things like this happen within a split second, and your course of life is forever changed, or gone.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=4946499

I can't even begin to tell you how much this frightens me. Please people, PAY ATTENTION ON THE ROAD!!! I don't care if you're in a hurry, just slow down and wait for 10 seconds. It's not worth risking it. Don't take people's family away from them.

The other thing that is irritating me, is that some people are making light of this saying things like "Less competition for FedEx" or "The FedEx guy jumped him" Oh yeah, I'm sure the families of the men involved are just getting a kick out of your wit, and laughing at your dry jokes, just as I would be if it were my husband killed in his UPS truck. (Rolls eyes). Seriously, it is not funny, and is very offensive. Some UPS/FedEx jokes are tolerable (and old), but in this case is very inappropriate. We're not laughing.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

What is sad is that I am used to being tired and worn out, all the time. I guess if I really think about it, I pretty much chronically have mild flu like symptoms. Always tired, always achey, always with a headache of some degree. It's miserable when people ask me "How are you?" Well, if I say that I'm fine, or I'm good, they'll look at me and say "Yeah, right." Or "Liar." However, if I am honest when they ask me how I'm doing, and my answer is that I don't feel very well, they'll just roll their eyes and think "There she goes again. Does she ever feel well? Does she ever NOT complain?" It's a bit of a catch 22, and a stupid one at that. But really! I am sick of feeling yucky all the time! Like this weekend, for example, especially yesterday. Not only have I been feeling like I'm recovering from being hit by a train, but I apparently caught some sort of a bug or something. Yesterday, my stomach was literally grinding all day. I felt like something nasty was brewing and waiting for an opportunity to escape. I left church feeling like I was about to explode out either end, I wasn't sure. Then, we went to my parent's house for dinner, and I laid on the couch the whole time clutching my stomach. In the middle of the night last night, I broke out in a raging fever, my clothes were sticking to me (and completely damp), and I was still feeling like my stomach was tied up like a pretzel. I'm hoping that whatever it was, the fever was the grand finale, and that I'll start feeling better, which will take me back to my usual tired, achey and yucky self, which I'm looking forward to after yesterday. How sad is that?

What am I thankful for?

Today is a bit of a lonely day for me, and I am trying as hard as I can to keep my chin up, but despite my efforts, I feel a flood of tears just waiting to spill over. Part of the loneliness is because we have no family or friends to share dinner with today. It's an odd feeling doing all the baking that you would normally divide up between people, yet have no one to share it with. I wonder why I'm even bothering? Today I have literally been in the kitchen for the past 6 hours doing nothing but cooking & doing dishes. Why? We can't possibly eat all of this ourselves, and on every other normal day cooking for my family, I would never even consider devoting my whole day into cooking for one meal. But it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, fresh bread and pumpkin pie, so I guess I'm calling on tradition as my excuse. But Thanksgiving tradition also calls for family and friends to enjoy the feast. And of those, I have none with us. It saddens me. I'm not sure what hurts the most though, the loneliness, or the invitations we have given out that have been either ignored or forgotten, and alternate plans were made despite our open invitation. It really makes me feel like we're not important. And that hurts.
The other part of the loneliness is the feeling that is haunting me that I have somehow alienated myself from those that I care about. Either that or I have pushed them away. I know that I've done something wrong when phone calls aren't returned, messages aren't replied to, and invitations to do something are immediately denied with some excuse. But what I'm trying to figure out is what I could have possibly done wrong to push so many people away. I've had times of loneliness in my life, but I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever felt more alone than I do right now. What could I possibly have done that has repelled everyone away from me? Or is this the Lord's way of telling me that I need to take a step back, and have some time for myself? I just don't know what to think right now.

So I've been thinking of what I am thankful for, despite today's emotions. They may not seem like much, but to me they're all a huge blessing to me in their own ways.
I am thankful that I have a warm house to live in, with a way to cook our food, and even food to cook!
I am thankful that I have 3 beautiful and wonderful children. They may drive me crazy with worry, but I'd be nobody without them.
I am thankful for my angel baby, and the blessings he brought to our lives in his short time here.
I am thankful that I have a knowledge of the Gospel, that gives me hope that I'll be with my angel baby again.
I am thankful that I have a place to work. Even though the conditions at the moment are less than ideal, and have caused me a great deal of heartache, I am thankful that I am still there.
I am thankful that I have a good car that allows me to get us to where we need, but also allows me a bit of freedom.
I am thankful that I can afford gas for my car.
I am thankful for my 2 cats, that love me unconditionally (when they're in the mood, of course) but give me a sense of appreciation when they love on me and purr and purr and purr. Makes me feel important.
I am thankful for my wonderful husband, who still loves me despite all my many faults, and does his best to show me that.
I am thankful also that my wonderful husband has a good stable & secure job that he's loyal to. I don't have to worry about unemployment, and that is a major blessing right there.
I am thankful for paint, for adding color to my home.
I am thankful for my friends, who each have all blessed me in their own individual ways. I know that the Lord crossed our paths with a purpose.
I am thankful for electricity and natural gas. It'd be cold and dark without them.
I am thankful for my Bosch, that grinds my wheat & kneads my dough, and makes making fresh bread quite simple.
I am thankful for itunes and my ipod. Music soothes me. Music inspires me. Music fills many voids.
I am thankful for books, and especially thankful that I am able to read them and have enough of an imagination to escape into them.
I am thankful for my cordless phone, and the distance it transmits.
I am thankful for crutches, which made moving around possible after my knee surgery.
I am thankful for spaghetti. ;)
I am thankful that I have a working washing machine and a working dryer.
I am thankful for yummy smelling laundry detergent and fabric softener.
I am thankful for candles, and their many purposes to me.
I am thankful for my education that I had, and that I was able to apply myself and get a 4.0
I am also very thankful that I am a smart person, and was able to (and still do) understand anatomy.
I am thankful for apples and carrots, and other yummy tasting fruits and veggies.
I am thankful for my amazing Mac laptop!
I am thankful that I have a camera, one that I can use for an emotional outlet.
I am thankful for my long hair.
I am thankful that I have all my limbs, and that I am able to walk.
I am thankful that I am not in the hospital.
I am thankful that I have an electric blanket.
I am thankful for water. I'd be dehydrated without it.
I am thankful for flowers for many many reasons.
I am thankful for my bra, which in sense is my greatest support.

I could go on and on, but I'll end with this:
I am thankful that I am alive, and that I am able to tell you the things I am thankful for.
Hopefully in some way or another, I'll be a blessing to you, and in turn, you'll be thankful for me.

Who am I really?

While wasting time responding to all sorts of surveys and questionnaires through emails and on myspace, here are some things that I've learned about myself:

If I were a slogan, I would be "Donna, it's what's for dinner"

My inner muse is Melpomene. I am most like this muse of tragedy. While I'm not necessarily depressed, I don't shy away from sadness. Although I do tend to be gloomy, I have a sensitive side, and this sensitive side helps inspire and help others.

I am disturbingly profound. (As opposed to profoundly disturbing.) I'm contemplative, thoughtful, and very intense. I take time to figure out the meaning of life. Because I'm introspective, I often react in ways that surprise people. No one really understands how I am on the inside... and that disturbs them.

If I were a holiday, I'd be Christmas. I'm able to find magic in life's small moments. Traditions mean a lot to me, and I tend to be quite nostalgic. I am a giving, kind person who really understands the true meaning of holidays. I try to inspire others to be as altruistic and caring as I am. Tradition and a generous spirit gives me reason to celebrate. At Christmas, I'm the one most likely to give a gift to everyone I know.

My season is autumn. I'm Thoughtful, expressive, creative, poetic & smart.

I'd be a carnation if I were a flower. I am down to earth and grounded. I tend to be more traditional than trendy. My confidence gets me through anything. People trust me and are very loyal to me.

If I were a gemstone, I'd be topaz. I'm comforting, considerate, and stable. I'm down to earth and grounded.

I'd be basil if I were a spice. I am loved by post people who take the time to get to know me.
I have a mild temperament, but my style is definitely distinctive. I am sweet, attractive, and often smell good.

My Goth name is Black Stratus.

My witness protection name is Sandra Olsen.

If I were a carnival ride, I would be a roller coaster. (Are there any other rides?) ;)

My handwriting says that I know how do pace myself, and I deal well with stress. I can be extroverted and outgoing. I am loving, friendly, and supportive. I am very detail oriented and meticulous. I am a careful thinker and a true intellectual. I need a bit of space in my life, but I'm not a recluse. I appreciate when people give me a small amount of privacy, and I respect their privacy as well. I am somewhat traditional, but am also open to change. I listen to my head and my heart.

My mind is blue. Of all the mind types, mine is the most mellow. I see things as how they really are. I spend a lot of time thinking about my friends, surroundings, and life.

My 'funky' Japanese name is "Temonoya"

If I were a crayon, I'd be blue. My world is colored in calm, understated, deep colors. I am a loyal person, and the truest friend anyone could hope to find. On the inside, I tend to be emotional and even a bit moody. However, I know that people depend on me, so I put on a strong front. My color wheel opposite is orange. Orange people may be opinionated, but I feel they lack the depth to truly understand what they're saying.

My main sense is sight. I am a very observant, detail oriented person. I see things that other people never notice. I have a good eye for design and aesthetics. I love to be surrounded by beauty - natural or not.

If I were a condiment, I would be mustard. I guess I have a strong personality?

If I were a utensil, I'd be a fork. I'm truthful, direct, straight forward, and can be a bit piercing at times.

My fridge says that I like to be surrounded by things I love. I'm not greedy, but can be materialistic at times. I'm a fairly thrifty person. I splurge occasionally, but I'm mostly a saver. I'm adventurous person. I love to try new things, but get bored very easily. I try to be responsible, but don't always succeed. My heart is in the right place though.

My body element is water. I am relaxed & flexible, and tend to go with the flow. I am accommodating, and adaptable. I willingly go whichever direction life is taking me, which changes from day to day. I live for helping others, and I have a generous spirit. My energy tends to be conserved.

My feet say that I am more expressive than most people. I tend to let everyone know how I'm honestly feeling - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm a very passionate person, and am easily inspired. I fall in love easily and develop strong bonds, and am attached to many people. I'm also easily frightened. I'm very practical and down to earth. I'm not spoiled and I love getting my hands dirty. I hold my ground and am true to my beliefs.

If I were a fruit, I'd be an apple. I'm strong, and even a bit stubborn at times. I have enough strength to help those around me in trouble. I'm adventurous and love life, and would enjoy traveling the world. I enjoy fine food, art, and culture. I've been accused of being a snob, but that's not accurate. I do enjoy good things in life, but unlike snobs, I truly appreciate quality... not just pretend to.

My pizza choice says that I like food that's traditional and well crafted. I am dependable, loyal, and conservative with my choices. I am cultured and intellectual. People say that I hardly eat, but I'm not under eating. I'm just not a pig.

If I had a superpower, it would be invisibility. I am stealth, complex, and creative. I never face problems head on. Instead, I rely on my craftiness to get my way. I thrive on being a little misunderstood. I happily work behind the scenes.

My famous last words will be "Yeah, I think I'll end there."
(Which is where I AM going to end...)

I just saw Twilight.

But I have been forbidden to say anything about it until after Lori-ann sees the movie. So until then, I have taken a vow of silence.

That sucks, I can't even mention how amazing the soundtrack is... Oh, oops!