Coleman and Co.

There is a reason for everything

2010-03-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

And definitely, blessings come in strange ways. It is interesting when you look back at situations that at the time seem devastating and like everything is going against you. Then realize that those moments definitely opened an opportunity for something else to happen, or perhaps could have saved your life.

This has been a horrible week for me, mostly emotionally. Last Wednesday, I met with the surgeon and had come to the conclusion that the best option for surgery would be to remove the whole disc and fuse the vertebrae. We scheduled it for the following Thursday, to give me a week to get things situated. I felt okay with it at the time, then immediately the anxiety and panic set in. I wasn't necessarily worried about the surgery itself, but how it would impact the rest of my life. I wondered how it would effect massage, if I'd be able to lift and hold babies, even if I'd be able to hike with the weight of a pack. I just felt very unsettled and terrified. I literally was a nervous wreck. I bawled and bawled for 4 days straight, with such fear and dread for my future. But knew that if I didn't go through with the surgery, I could very possibly lose all nerve function in my right leg. And that would have affected my future even more than the surgery. I just felt stuck.

Monday, I get a phone call from the Surgeon's assistant saying that my insurance company denied the pre-authorization, stating that my eligibility date for that surgery wouldn't be until Sept. 1. Not knowing if I'd even be able to walk by the first of September, I hit an even bigger panic. At this point I honestly felt that everything was in it's power was working against me, trying to slowly maim me. September would have been too late. I knew it. After calling and unsuccessfully bawling out the insurance company (in a state of panicked rage), I had remembered another option that he had mentioned that would fix the problem in the leg, but not the whole problem. At the time of negotiation, it didn't seem like a feasible option for many different reasons, so it was pushed aside. Now it felt right. Made a few more phone calls, and by Tuesday, that other surgery had been authorized, and we were still on for Thursday.

The anxiety and panic had left me. I felt so much calmer.

Now, looking back, I can see how that denial was a huge blessing. Even though I'll still be living with back pain, I'll have the pressure taken off the nerve. Somewhere down the road, I may need to go back in and have the vertebrae fused, but for now, I honestly feel that this may be all that I needed. With "downgrading" the surgery, it changed me from an inpatient to an outpatient surgery. It also cut my down time in half, so hopefully I'll be back to work in the month. And most importantly, Dr. Moulder pointed out that fusing the vertebrae would just open the door for my already slipping L5-S1 disc to completely herniate. Which would put me right back into the situation I was in, which would put me into requiring another major surgery. So for now, I can live with the ache in my back. I've been living with it for years. I'll live with it for more. But the nerve compression is now gone, and that was causing the bigger problems.

Now that I look back, I thought the world was against me. No, the world was trying to save me. And the panic and fear was my first clue. I didn't need the fully invasive surgery. For now, this is all that I needed.

And, today is the first day that I've actually been awake for a good portion of the day. I'm still coming off the effects of the morphine and demerol, and have plenty of lortab and phenegran in my system, and I feel like I'm rambling, so I apologize if I've repeated myself multiple times, and don't make sense anywhere else. I feel like my brain is on a 10 second delay. It's quite amusing, actually. I'm just happy that I'm able to focus on my laptop, and most importantly, that I'm posting from the comfort of my home and not a hospital room. Yes, I am blessed.

Disclaimer Very unsettled when this was written.

2010-02-28T22:22:00.001-08:00

I wrote this a few days ago, and have been debating whether or not to post it. Even though the anger-hurt-disappointment emotions have settled a bit (but the frightened emotions have definitely taken front seat), I am still hurt at the general situation and figured I'd just better let it out. So, even though I do mean what I wrote, I'm not too proud of how it was written at the time.

It was originally titled "Why I haven't blogged for a while."

Word got back to me that someone in my group of family/friends has been accusing me of making up medical problems for attention. And that deep hurt and let down has pretty much killed any inspiration and motivation I may have had to post anything at all. Because after all, anything I post is for attention, apparently. Well, I've come to the conclusion that someone who makes those kinds of accusations are guilty of doing the exact same thing themselves, making things up or exaggerating something for attention, and that I really shouldn't take it personally. But it's me, and I take everything personally. I have a very hard time understanding two things: First, for someone who has been told by many that she has a very caring, selfless and service oriented heart (AND has a very hard time accepting any service herself), how could it possibly be in their nature to be deceiving for personal gain of sympathy? Second, how could someone possibly fake a medical issue that has been ongoing for years, progressively getting worse, and has been under the watchful eye of specialists? How can someone fake problems that show up on an MRI? That's just beyond me. And now I'm looking at needing surgery that I really should have had a year ago, but have been trying to work through and live with the pain. I didn't want to be a burden on my friends and family, neighbors & ward members. I just have been dealing with it, taking it day to day. The pain I've been living with has been pretty severe, and many days I cry on my way home from work, and many nights I cry myself to sleep because of the deep burning pain. It's come across as depression. Well, sorry if I've been a bit moody and down, and anti-social. I'm doing everything I can to not constantly whine and complain. Trust me, if I had any choice, I'd choose NOT to be dealing with this, and I'd choose to have a very healthy body. I don't enjoy this at all.

For many years, I've had a deep ache in my lower back. Once in a while it would get so bad that I could barely move. I'd get ample treatment to relieve the symptom, but never found a cause. At that time I figured it was all muscular, and I had just "pulled a muscle" while twisting and bending, or twisting and reaching just the wrong way. Luckily those episodes were few and far between, but were progressively getting closer each time, and with more intensity. I was finally referred by my family doctor to a specialist, where an MRI was done. That MRI showed that I have arthritis in my lower spine that is causing bone degeneration. It also showed that the L4-L5 disc was herniated, and also starting to degenerate. The herniation was on the right, and was up against the right nerve root. So the treatments started with steroid injections to relieve inflammation and hopefully reduce the pressure on the nerve. After a year of physical therapy, many shots in the back, and two invasive nerve root injections, unfortunately the symptoms didn't go away, but progressively got worse. The pain in my low back has become a constant companion, always burning, always throbbing, almost nauseating. It then got to the point that my thigh felt like I had a blood pressure cuff tightening around it, and along the nerve pathway I felt constant hot stinging pain. It started to affect the way I was walking because I felt like my right leg was full of hot lead, and my muscles were struggling to comply with their instructions. My right leg had weak reflexes. So 14 months later, MRI #2 on my low spine, and yet another referral to an even more specialized Doctor to discuss a possible surgery to remove the portion of the disc that was causing the problems. Big sigh. So, MRI #2 showed that the disc had herniated even more, and was totally compressing the right nerve root. That explains the pressure and stinging pain in my leg. MRI #2 also showed that the disc that 14 months ago was starting to degenerate is now completely diseased.

So I met with the back surgeon yesterday, and spent 2 hours discussing, weighing pros and cons, and ultimately coming to a very difficult decision, for both of us. With the disc being diseased, the idea of just cutting off the herniated part was no longer an option, as that would expose the spinal fluid to the diseased tissue. The whole disc would have to be removed, replaced with a synthetic one, and the surrounding vertebrae would have to be fused. The other option would be to let it be, and risk the disc rupturing and oozing the infected tissue into the spinal fluid. Risk of an infection in the brain. Risk of death. Obviously I choose surgery, even though through my rehab, surgery has always been an option only as a last resort. This particular surgery is very invasive, they'll not only have to cut through spine stabilizing muscles and tendons, but through bone as well. I'll be laid up for weeks, maybe months depending on how my body responds. Rehab will be major, as I'll be having to retrain my muscles to stabilize my spine. I will be unable to give massages for a while, unable to do something I love. I may not even be able to hike this spring and summer, unable to go surround myself with the beauty of our mountains that I just love.

Now I ask you this: Why would anyone choose to do something like that for attention? Why would I choose to deprive myself, and put myself in such agony for attention? Sheesh. Maybe I should be proud of myself and pat myself on the back. After all, that's some pretty crafty talent, being able to make up a problem that's quite visible on an MRI. Just shaking my head here.

And now I tell you this: People don't have to have missing limbs or be in casts to have a medical problem. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. For those who make rude comments to someone that doesn't look disabled parking in a disabled spot, you don't know if they have a heart condition, or an amputated foot. Or if they have a disabled child in a wheelchair that has not yet been taken out of the car. And it's also none of your business. Just be thankful you have two legs to walk with, and the health to do so. Don't live your life in such a way that it's necessary to put others down to boost yourself up. And last, but not least, remember that nobody is perfect. Neither are their bodies.

This is one of the images from last weeks MRI. The disc that is diseased is the L4-L5 disc. On this picture, it's quite obvious which one it is. You can easily see how much it's compressing the nerve. Also, see how all the discs have a white core and that one doesn't? That dark color shows that the disc is diseased, which is the main reason the whole disc has to be removed, and the surrounding vertebrae fused. Otherwise we'd be doing a much less invasive surgery of just cutting off the portion that is herniated.

Now all I can say is that if that person still thinks that I am making this up for attention, then they need some serious mental health help.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

2009-11-22T20:15:00.000-08:00

And a problem, I do have. Well, many problems. But I'm only going to admit to two of them at the moment. First, I am not the most organized person. Second, I collect recipes. And they're not organized. At least they're all confined in one location, mostly.

There are, of course recipes on sticky notes that are placed in various places through out my kitchen.

Junk mail envelopes make great recipe cards.

Some of them are well loved. Very much. And not very legible. But you know a good recipe when it's smeared and splattered with ingredients. Not to mention that it makes opening up to a specific recipe very easy.

The sad thing about this is that I'm not much of a recipe follower. I'll look at a recipe for a basis, then I'll throw in things and omit things based on my preferences, but the majority of my cooking is done by looking in the cupboard and seeing what stands out as a good addition.

Yeah, I have a recipe problem.

I'm missing the mountains.

2009-11-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

"You don't know what you've got until it's gone..." Not that the mountains are gone, but my ability to hike in them is gone for the moment. I took for granted the good health I was feeling, and the strength I had gained. Then, literally overnight, it was gone. Having the herniated disc completely compress the nerve root made it difficult to bend, twist and lift and reach, and even more difficult to walk. Where I had been feeling strong and limber one day, the next I was feeling like I needed to join the silver haired elderly in their walkers. Hopefully the spinal procedure will work it's magic and allow me the blessings of visiting the mountains again. I need to shift my perspective to a WHEN, not if. Otherwise, I'm handing myself a life sentence. When. I will make it back up there. It's just a matter of when.

Small, small glimpse of what I'm missing.

Some people, and their maturity level showing on the roads.

2009-07-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

I've heard about road rage for years, and have gotten a little irritated myself while on the road. But I don't think I've ever experienced actual road rage, and have been afraid of someone else on the road. At the same time, I'm not sure if I've ever had such a strong urge to rear end somebody, as I did the other day. What a day. And what shining examples to Britty as to what NOT to do while on the road. Within a few hours time, too.

Our first encounter happened in the canyon between Heber and Strawberry Reservoir. We were on a stretch of road that the east bounders had two lanes, for many many miles. I was in the right hand lane, speeding a little bit, actually. This huge pick up truck hauling a camping trailer came barreling up behind me, having to slow down as they approached me. This did not make them happy. Despite there being a car in front of me setting my pace, they apparently took it personally that I was purposely slowing down just to spite them. So they passed me. Okay. That's what passing lanes are for. Good riddance to you. As they passed me, the passenger flipped me off. Okay? What did I do? I'm driving, minding my own business, and they flip me off because they are able to pass me? Whatever.

Well, a few miles later, we start to climb a steep hill, and guess what? They're hauling so much weight that they lose momentum going up the hill. Well, I'm not really in the mood to crawl up the hill at 30 mph behind them, so I move into the passing lane, and I pass them, as anyone would have the right to. This time both the driver AND passenger have their arms out of their windows, shaking their fists while telling me that I am number one. And trying to gun it up the hill to pass me again. Seriously! What did I do to them? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just a victim of proximity. So at this point, I was realizing that they probably have guns, and are pissed off enough to use them, albeit unjustified, so I booked it. Did not want them on my trail. Big sigh. Idiots.

A little while later, as we were approaching our destination, we were on another stretch of road that had 2 lanes. As the lanes were merging into one, there was a car in the other lane that was racing me to be in front, even though technically I had the right of way. But being as I am, and not wanting to risk anything, I slowed down and allowed them over. Usually that would result in a friendly "thank you" wave from the other car. Oh no. This resulted in 3 stupid teenagers who had nothing better to do with their time, deciding to mess with me. I'm sure they knew the area well, and knew that the road was one lane for 15 miles or so, with no passing lanes. So they slow down to around 40 mph to see if they could get a rise out of me. Okay, so I slow down to 40. What choice do I have? The next 20 minutes consisted of them looking back at me periodically and laughing. So I knew they weren't just out for the view, but they were slowing down on purpose. I was getting pretty irritated at this point, and if I didn't like my car so much, I'd have sped up and plowed into the back of their little Nissan. But the "Passing lane, 1 mile" sign gave me hope, so I refrained. I said to Britty "I'll bet you anything as soon as they hit the passing lane they'll speed up so I can't pass them." Sure enough. As soon as the second lane appeared, they took off.

Oh, at this point was not going to let them get away with it, and decided to play their game. Shouldn't have, but I did. So I gunned it. And yes, my Pacifica outran their little Nissan. They all stared at me and Britty with "What!? No way!" faces as we passed. I quickly got in front of them. Well, the SUV behind me was also tired of their little slow game, and immediately took the spot in the lane next to me, blocking any possible passing path for the stupid punks. I looked over at the driver in the lane next to me to give him an "I am so sorry, it wasn't me" expression, and was amused to find him looking at me as well, and motioning to me to slow down. So I did. And we coasted side by side, rather slow, enjoying watching the kids behind us swerve from lane to lane, trying to get around us. We kept that pace for the rest of the way into Vernal. Heh heh. Yeah, real mature of me, I know. But once in a while, I play their games and show them how stupid they really are. For my own sanity, of course. I don't have alcohol to fall back on. ;)

Seriously though, drive carefully, not aggressively. Those could have been two potentially dangerous situations. And one persons judgement could cost a life.

VNV concert

2009-07-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

On Friday, Nolan, Britty & I went to see yet another amazing VNV Nation concert. I stayed in the back happily watching in a safe "I'm not gonna get trampled" zone. Britty, however, had to be in the energy of it all. Best place for a teenager, of course.

So Nolan found this video of Friday's concert, and we found Britty! If you pause it and move the scroll bar to 26 seconds, you'll see Britty. There are 2 arms raised right up front, (well, there are a LOT of arms raised, but there are two right up front and are extra illuminated) she is between them, wearing a black and white VNV soccer jersey.

Enjoy!

At a loss of words.

2009-06-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

So I'll post a few of my pictures that reflect my emotions.

I have a confession to make.

2009-06-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

I struggle with this blog. Obviously. Not because I think it's a waste of time, it's not that at all. It's only that I feel a bit overwhelmed. So much is going on, I don't have prioritized time to post, (not to mention that uploading images takes more time than it should) and then I get a bit of anxiety of the "where do I start, and how do I catch up." Then I read other blogs that are written like stories, and continually unfolding the drama, and I feel incredibly inadequate with my lack of writing talent. I do have inspirations once in a while, but otherwise, it appears that I do in fact lead a very boring life in that respect. At least a boring imagination. ;) Regardless, I'll make more of an effort to find blog worthy events, and actually blog about them.

Any suggestions for the uninspired?

Tagged... I'm it!

2009-04-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

For this tag (thanks Sarah) I get to post the 4th image in my 4th photo folder. Which happens to be this:

This was taken about a year ago, in my back yard. I had just purchased a macro lens set for my camera, and being the geek that I am, I was elated to have my first little photo shoot out in the rain! It made for some beautiful pictures, one of which I won an award for. I can't wait for my flowers to bloom again, so I can do it again. :)

Now I tag... Michelle, Tyffanie, Heather, Lori-ann, and Amy. Yes, Amy, you are now officially obligated to start your own Clayson family blog... ;)

De-luxe by Lush, and my amusement.

2009-03-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

So we gave in and bought Rock Band on Saturday. We've played it at our friend's homes, and have had a blast. Nolan's urges were just too much, and he caved in. The result was he and I staying up until 3:30 in the morning, then starting again around 9 am. LOL. Well, Nolan's goal was to unlock De-luxe, an amazing song by Lush.

Okay, so I've known and loved this song for at least 16 years. However, I never really knew what the words were. Some, yes. But the rest? Well, I just kinda sang along with general sounds. It worked for me. It wasn't until Nolan unlocked it yesterday, and I got to sing along that I learned what all the words were. You want a random song? Here it is! I was laughing while singing, I'm amazed I still got 100%, and a "flawless" status. So now whenever I have aching legs, I'll just blame it on the grass in my thighs.

De-Luxe:

I’ve been waiting on the slide

Suggest I open wide
No incentive to hide
Happy coursing through my veins
Don’t even know my name
When I’m up you’re coming down

Inside of me, some sight to see
Some sight to feel our earthy bed

When we’re wrapped in polythene
What’s that supposed to mean
Paper flowers bring me luck
No birds in sight I fear
Stick sticks in you my dear
When I’m up you’re coming down

Some say I’m vague
And I’d easily fade
Foolish parade of fantasy

Drink in your eyes
Drink in you sighs
Grass in my thighs my aching legs

"Seek and ye shall find"

2009-01-19T19:33:00.000-08:00

I was rewarded Friday morning with a very sweet surprise while on my way to work. The road I take passes by some farms, and this particular morning, the trees and fence fading into the fog caught my eye. Of course I had my camera, and I had some extra time, so I pulled over, crossed the street, and took these pictures:

And a few more, of course. Anyway, as the sun started to rise, the fog became illuminated to the point that the camera would not focus anymore, so I figured my photo session for the morning was officially over. So I turned around to cross the street, and this is what I turned around to:

And yes, I was brought to tears, but this time, instead of tears of devastation, they were tears of gratitude for allowing me to have another glimpse of something so breathtakingly beautiful.

Does this not look like an angel?

As I was driving to my office, I was thinking of how interesting it was that I was allowed a small glimpse that first morning. Then I attempted to seek it out many times with no success. I still found very beautiful things, and was still grateful for what I did see, but I was still seeking that sunrise none the less. Then, on a morning when I was not expecting it, nor actively looking for it, I was rewarded. I think Wendy summed it up the best. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” (Matthew 7:7,8) The Lord, after my seeking, gave me a much treasured gift. Not right when I wanted it, but when it was His time to give it. And for those small things, I am forever grateful.

A pathetically sad story.

2009-01-15T09:50:00.000-08:00

So I am officially obsessed with my camera. Considering I've loaded almost 6000 images on my beloved MacBook since *ahem* May, I'd say that's a bit obsessive. I've been trying to figure out why I like to take so many pictures, and I've come to a few conclusions. Either I am afraid if I don't capture it, either I can't prove I saw it, or I'll be afraid I won't remember what it looked like. OR, this is my outlet, my way to find things that visually express how I feel inside. I find something, some form of natural beauty that touches me, and I want to share that with others so they too can see the beauty that they would otherwise overlook. I am leaning on the outlet.

So why is this a pathetically sad story? Well, I usually take my camera with me, and at least have it in my car, just in case. ;) Last week, as I was walking out the door to take the kids to school, I grabbed my camera off the hall table, then put it back telling myself "You're just taking them to school, then you're coming right back home. You don't need the camera." So I left it home.

On my way back home, one of the roads I take crosses over the Provo River, and passes an RV park right along the river that has hundreds of tall mature trees. That particular morning, the fog was so thick that I could only see a few car lengths ahead of me. Just as I was approaching the river, the sun started to rise from behind the mountain, which instantly turned the gray fog between the trees into a brilliant deep amber glow. Then, as the sun was a bit further up, it sent thick streaks of the sun's rays cutting through the fog, being interrupted by the trees. It literally took my breath away. I on impulse, pulled over and reached for my camera. Which I left at home. I started crying. I was devastated that I wasn't able to capture that intensely beautiful moment. I am pathetic.

Here are the trees, and the sunrise, just minus the fog.

Imagine the picture above with sun ray streaks like this:

But foggier and orange like this:

It was stunning.

I still get teary eyed when I think of it, almost as if I am mourning a terrible loss. I have even stalked that very spot almost every morning since hoping to get the same glimpse, but with no luck. I think it's official that I am obsessed.

Another heartbreaking yet eye opening event.

2009-01-06T13:06:00.000-08:00

Last month, after the sudden death of Alan, it brought to my mind the fine line of mortality. I couldn't help but think about how different things would be if I KNEW that I'd see that person for the last time. Would I treat them differently? Would I make sure any wrongs I had done were made right? Would I bite my tongue when I'm about to say something potentially hurtful? Would my senses be heightened and would I be more aware of their unspoken needs? Would I make sure that before we part I gave them a hug and an I love you?

As I lay in bed at night, either in Nolan's arms or him in mine, those thoughts keep coming back to me, along with a deep gratitude that when we both left in the morning, that parting was not our last. I hold him extra tight and realize how blessed I am that he is here with me, that he was able to make it through the day, and make it home. A split second decision or indecision can take life away with no warning. Am I treating him in the manner that if something would happen, I wouldn't have any regrets? Or that if something were to happen to me, he would know that I loved and cherished him, and that our last moments together were happy loving ones? I sure hope so. I know I'm nowhere near perfect with my attitude, but I'm trying, and will continue to work on that.

On Friday, all those feelings were intensified tenfold. A friend & neighbor of mine, left for the grocery store, with her kids home with her hubby. When she returned home, she found her husband had passed away. I couldn't help but wonder what kinds of words were said as she was heading out the door, and what kinds of regrets she possibly has. It breaks my heart to think of all the "if only" thoughts she must be thinking. It also breaks my heart to imagine the despair and pain she is enduring. She'll never have a chance to apologize to him for any harsh words she had ever said, or any times she may have unintentionally made him feel unimportant. She'll never have a chance to tell him how much she loves and appreciates him, and how much she cherished him. She'll never have a chance to hold him close. Like I said, I don't know what words were said either positive or negative that day, but it would crush me if they were fighting or having a typical marital argument when she left, and those were the last words ever said. I would hate myself and would never forgive myself for not expressing my love regardless of the disagreement. I wouldn't want things to be like that.

Hold your families close. You never know what day will be your last. Again, live each day as though it'll be your last. Treat people in a manner that you would want to be remembered by. Let everyone in your life know how important they are to you and how much you appreciate them. Be mindful of needs, especially the unspoken ones. Make amends for any hurtful things that were said or done. Women, hug your men, compliment them, bend over backwards to show them that they are needed, wanted and loved. Men, hold and caress your women. Let them know how lost you'd be without them. Parents, love your kids. Openly. Spend quality time with them and don't act like it's an inconvenience. Show them that you are thankful that they came into your lives, and they would have an empty hole without them. Life is too short to put off apologies. Life is too long to live with regrets.

I am behind. Waaaay behind.

2008-12-22T21:03:00.000-08:00

Once Christmas is over, and my headless chicken impersonation ebbs, I'll actually have time to update this blog! There's so much to tell you about: Fan clubs, hiking, snow, star lip gloss, gingerbread houses, Death by Latte, white elephants, MRI & bone scan, and even a birthday party. Yes, I have a lot to catch up on.

In the meantime, I wish you all a wonderful Christmas!

A very touching and eye opening funeral.

2008-12-08T19:30:00.001-08:00

Where do I start? Okay, a week ago (refer to previous post) a UPS driver was killed when someone made a left hand turn in front of him. As I said in that post also, I hear about fatalities unfortunately all the time, but this particular one really affected me. Not only did I feel a loss from the UPS family, but I also felt a strange connection to this man, almost as though I somehow knew him. Whatever the connection was, I definitely felt the loss. It's a strange feeling grieving for someone I don't know, yet somehow I do. I was talking to someone about this accident, and was commenting that all the tragic, untimely deaths lately are people that are kind, compassionate, service oriented people with huge hearts who put themselves before others. Have you noticed that in the news? My first impression of Alan (after hearing of his death), was "I'll bet that he had a heart of gold, and is one of those people who will leave an impression on those he knew, and will leave a legacy for those he loved." Until I went to his funeral, I had no idea how accurate that was, but even that thought didn't even come close to the type of man that was presented to us that day. I got a small glimpse at how Christlike he was when I read his obituary, but it was at the services when I learned truly how remarkable of a man he was.

As we pulled up to the Stake Center, we saw UPS's first symbol of gratitude towards this man's service. Out on the street was one of their big brown trucks, with a large banner that covered the windshield and wrapped around the side mirrors. On the banner was a picture of Alan that was taken at the UPS center, on a plaque that commemorated a 25 years of service milestone. On the grill was a wreath with brown ribbons, with his name on one, and then a license plate frame that said "In loving memory of Alan Christoffersen." A large majority of UPSers showed up in uniform to show respect to him. There were hundreds there. Nolan & I were lucky to make it there just in time to find a seat in the chapel, arriving a half hour early. The chapel quickly filled up, as did the cultural hall. By the time the services started, the cultural hall was packed, standing room only. I can only imagine the view from the pulpit: family, friends, I'm sure many of his customers on his route, and then a sea of brown. Nolan, and Rob (another UPSer sitting on the other side of me) were both in tears during the opening hymn. The spirit was so strong in there, even listening to the prelude, that I knew that a man of God was lying in the casket before us. I was brought to tears as well, as I could feel that the world was feeling the loss of a good man, yet the heavens were rejoicing the return of a faithful servant.

His children all gave beautiful and touching tributes, as did his daughter in law & his wife. From those talks (without too much detail), I learned that he put God first in his life, and centered himself and God with his family. He was diligent with his scripture study, family home evening, & even held four callings, in which he was thankful for the opportunities to be of service. One of the callings being the nursery leader, and he LOVED that calling. (He MUST have a heart of gold to love nursery.) His sweet wife was saying that he would read during his lunch break, then for FHE, he'd start the family discussions by talking about the things that had impressed him during his reading throughout the week. She said that UPS brought her all his items from the truck, and among those was a stack of magazines about 8" tall, consisting of Ensigns, New Era's, Church News & even Friend magazines. All marked up, highlighted, & notes made where impressions were made. Also a set of scriptures. One daughter told us that she was complaining about a class she was taking, and was wanting to drop out because the teacher was next to impossible to deal with. His comment to her was along the lines of "You will not benefit from something that doesn't take work and sacrifice to accomplish it." His Bishop read a few comments from the KSL message boards, both from people on his route. One person was telling about a time that she was out trying to shovel her sidewalk & driveway, but was having an extremely difficult time because of some injury or illness. Alan saw her struggling, pulled over, and took 20 minutes of his time to shovel for her. (Which considering was during the Holiday peak time, was a big sacrifice on his part.) Another customer on his route mentioned that the way that Alan composed himself, and the spirit he emulated, said to him that Alan was truly wanting to live a quality life. Another thing his wife said that moved me was "Women, cook for your husbands. Cherish them." And also "I want you all to know that we hold absolutely no malice or anger towards the driver of the dump truck. Please keep him in your prayers. He has a long road of recovery ahead of him, and he and his family are dealing with a lot of pain. I couldn't imagine having to live with that." I am sure she was referring to not only a physical recovery, but also the pain and heartache of knowing he was the cause of the death. How does a heart ever heal from something like that? I don't think it ever does. He will forevermore hold that pain and regret in his heart, and yet, she has forgiven him and is showing love and mercy towards him. Those comments touched me deeply.

There was so so so much more said, I couldn't possibly repeat it all. But it really did get me thinking. What kind of life am I leading right now? Am I living what I want to be remembered by right now? It brings a significant meaning to the phrase "Live each day as if it were your last." That does not suggest being careless and avoiding responsibility. No. Instead, leave the house each morning with a huge hug and an I love you. Whenever you speak to somebody, pay them a compliment, or an expression of gratitude for something they've done for you. Go out of your way to be of service to somebody, even if it's simply opening the door if their hands are full. Don't speak negatively about other people. Smile. Make sure there are no loose ends, no unsaid apologies. I know that I struggle in that, but I am striving to be a better person, one that will be remembered as kind and thoughtful, selfless and compassionate, caring and nurturing. I hope to be able to bless people's lives in one way or another. I was truly blessed by Alan's. I never met him, but he did bless me by being the type of man he was, by setting an example. By showing me how many lives were touched because of his disposition, and his kind spirit.

I have a lot to work towards.

The UPS truck, minus the banner.

The sea of brown out on the lawn by the church.

Just need a quick vent...

2008-12-01T17:13:00.000-08:00

I am highly irritated at the moment for two reasons. First, people who don't watch what they're doing while driving, and second, those who make very inappropriate and insensitive comments.

Okay. Nolan's job obviously has him out on the roads all day every day, which also puts him out with idiot drivers. I have to admit that there are many many days that I have "day terrors" where my mind starts to go down the "what if" road, and I start to imagine up horrific scenarios where Nolan ends up on life support, or even worse, dead, due to involvement in a nasty accident while on the job. I end up having a near anxiety attack, wondering if I'm being mentally prepared for that day that I'll get the phone call. It sounds stupid, but I honestly do worry. And then when he comes home and tells me about all the idiot drivers that he had to deal with, and a few near misses, it only intensifies my concerns.

I am well aware that fatalities happen more often than they should, and unfortunately they don't usually upset me because they're so common, and just a part of life. People making errors in their driving, which causes collisions, which causes the loss of innocent life. Tragically common. However, sometimes the circumstances stir up emotions because they hit close to home. Like today.

A UPS driver was killed this morning when the driver of a dump truck made an error of judgement, and made a left hand turn in front of the UPSer. He was killed upon impact. Now, because of the error of one man, a family has lost their father, a wife has lost her husband. Even though I don't know this man, since UPS for some reason feels like a big family, I do feel some sort of a loss. Perhaps it's because I can imagine what his poor wife is going through right now, as news of this has rekindled my fears about Nolan being killed in his truck because of someone being impatient, or just not paying attention. What really hits me is the thought of never being able to say good bye. Just watching him walk out the door to leave for work, not really taking time for a hug & kiss goodbye, or even an I love you, because of the crazy chaos of getting the kids ready for school and out the door on time, assuming he'll return that evening. But then things like this happen within a split second, and your course of life is forever changed, or gone.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=4946499

I can't even begin to tell you how much this frightens me. Please people, PAY ATTENTION ON THE ROAD!!! I don't care if you're in a hurry, just slow down and wait for 10 seconds. It's not worth risking it. Don't take people's family away from them.

The other thing that is irritating me, is that some people are making light of this saying things like "Less competition for FedEx" or "The FedEx guy jumped him" Oh yeah, I'm sure the families of the men involved are just getting a kick out of your wit, and laughing at your dry jokes, just as I would be if it were my husband killed in his UPS truck. (Rolls eyes). Seriously, it is not funny, and is very offensive. Some UPS/FedEx jokes are tolerable (and old), but in this case is very inappropriate. We're not laughing.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

2008-12-01T07:49:00.000-08:00

What is sad is that I am used to being tired and worn out, all the time. I guess if I really think about it, I pretty much chronically have mild flu like symptoms. Always tired, always achey, always with a headache of some degree. It's miserable when people ask me "How are you?" Well, if I say that I'm fine, or I'm good, they'll look at me and say "Yeah, right." Or "Liar." However, if I am honest when they ask me how I'm doing, and my answer is that I don't feel very well, they'll just roll their eyes and think "There she goes again. Does she ever feel well? Does she ever NOT complain?" It's a bit of a catch 22, and a stupid one at that. But really! I am sick of feeling yucky all the time! Like this weekend, for example, especially yesterday. Not only have I been feeling like I'm recovering from being hit by a train, but I apparently caught some sort of a bug or something. Yesterday, my stomach was literally grinding all day. I felt like something nasty was brewing and waiting for an opportunity to escape. I left church feeling like I was about to explode out either end, I wasn't sure. Then, we went to my parent's house for dinner, and I laid on the couch the whole time clutching my stomach. In the middle of the night last night, I broke out in a raging fever, my clothes were sticking to me (and completely damp), and I was still feeling like my stomach was tied up like a pretzel. I'm hoping that whatever it was, the fever was the grand finale, and that I'll start feeling better, which will take me back to my usual tired, achey and yucky self, which I'm looking forward to after yesterday. How sad is that?

What am I thankful for?

2008-11-27T13:48:00.000-08:00

Today is a bit of a lonely day for me, and I am trying as hard as I can to keep my chin up, but despite my efforts, I feel a flood of tears just waiting to spill over. Part of the loneliness is because we have no family or friends to share dinner with today. It's an odd feeling doing all the baking that you would normally divide up between people, yet have no one to share it with. I wonder why I'm even bothering? Today I have literally been in the kitchen for the past 6 hours doing nothing but cooking & doing dishes. Why? We can't possibly eat all of this ourselves, and on every other normal day cooking for my family, I would never even consider devoting my whole day into cooking for one meal. But it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, fresh bread and pumpkin pie, so I guess I'm calling on tradition as my excuse. But Thanksgiving tradition also calls for family and friends to enjoy the feast. And of those, I have none with us. It saddens me. I'm not sure what hurts the most though, the loneliness, or the invitations we have given out that have been either ignored or forgotten, and alternate plans were made despite our open invitation. It really makes me feel like we're not important. And that hurts.
The other part of the loneliness is the feeling that is haunting me that I have somehow alienated myself from those that I care about. Either that or I have pushed them away. I know that I've done something wrong when phone calls aren't returned, messages aren't replied to, and invitations to do something are immediately denied with some excuse. But what I'm trying to figure out is what I could have possibly done wrong to push so many people away. I've had times of loneliness in my life, but I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever felt more alone than I do right now. What could I possibly have done that has repelled everyone away from me? Or is this the Lord's way of telling me that I need to take a step back, and have some time for myself? I just don't know what to think right now.

So I've been thinking of what I am thankful for, despite today's emotions. They may not seem like much, but to me they're all a huge blessing to me in their own ways.
I am thankful that I have a warm house to live in, with a way to cook our food, and even food to cook!
I am thankful that I have 3 beautiful and wonderful children. They may drive me crazy with worry, but I'd be nobody without them.
I am thankful for my angel baby, and the blessings he brought to our lives in his short time here.
I am thankful that I have a knowledge of the Gospel, that gives me hope that I'll be with my angel baby again.
I am thankful that I have a place to work. Even though the conditions at the moment are less than ideal, and have caused me a great deal of heartache, I am thankful that I am still there.
I am thankful that I have a good car that allows me to get us to where we need, but also allows me a bit of freedom.
I am thankful that I can afford gas for my car.
I am thankful for my 2 cats, that love me unconditionally (when they're in the mood, of course) but give me a sense of appreciation when they love on me and purr and purr and purr. Makes me feel important.
I am thankful for my wonderful husband, who still loves me despite all my many faults, and does his best to show me that.
I am thankful also that my wonderful husband has a good stable & secure job that he's loyal to. I don't have to worry about unemployment, and that is a major blessing right there.
I am thankful for paint, for adding color to my home.
I am thankful for my friends, who each have all blessed me in their own individual ways. I know that the Lord crossed our paths with a purpose.
I am thankful for electricity and natural gas. It'd be cold and dark without them.
I am thankful for my Bosch, that grinds my wheat & kneads my dough, and makes making fresh bread quite simple.
I am thankful for itunes and my ipod. Music soothes me. Music inspires me. Music fills many voids.
I am thankful for books, and especially thankful that I am able to read them and have enough of an imagination to escape into them.
I am thankful for my cordless phone, and the distance it transmits.
I am thankful for crutches, which made moving around possible after my knee surgery.
I am thankful for spaghetti. ;)
I am thankful that I have a working washing machine and a working dryer.
I am thankful for yummy smelling laundry detergent and fabric softener.
I am thankful for candles, and their many purposes to me.
I am thankful for my education that I had, and that I was able to apply myself and get a 4.0
I am also very thankful that I am a smart person, and was able to (and still do) understand anatomy.
I am thankful for apples and carrots, and other yummy tasting fruits and veggies.
I am thankful for my amazing Mac laptop!
I am thankful that I have a camera, one that I can use for an emotional outlet.
I am thankful for my long hair.
I am thankful that I have all my limbs, and that I am able to walk.
I am thankful that I am not in the hospital.
I am thankful that I have an electric blanket.
I am thankful for water. I'd be dehydrated without it.
I am thankful for flowers for many many reasons.
I am thankful for my bra, which in sense is my greatest support.

I could go on and on, but I'll end with this:
I am thankful that I am alive, and that I am able to tell you the things I am thankful for.
Hopefully in some way or another, I'll be a blessing to you, and in turn, you'll be thankful for me.

Who am I really?

2008-11-21T22:47:00.000-08:00

While wasting time responding to all sorts of surveys and questionnaires through emails and on myspace, here are some things that I've learned about myself:

If I were a slogan, I would be "Donna, it's what's for dinner"

My inner muse is Melpomene. I am most like this muse of tragedy. While I'm not necessarily depressed, I don't shy away from sadness. Although I do tend to be gloomy, I have a sensitive side, and this sensitive side helps inspire and help others.

I am disturbingly profound. (As opposed to profoundly disturbing.) I'm contemplative, thoughtful, and very intense. I take time to figure out the meaning of life. Because I'm introspective, I often react in ways that surprise people. No one really understands how I am on the inside... and that disturbs them.

If I were a holiday, I'd be Christmas. I'm able to find magic in life's small moments. Traditions mean a lot to me, and I tend to be quite nostalgic. I am a giving, kind person who really understands the true meaning of holidays. I try to inspire others to be as altruistic and caring as I am. Tradition and a generous spirit gives me reason to celebrate. At Christmas, I'm the one most likely to give a gift to everyone I know.

My season is autumn. I'm Thoughtful, expressive, creative, poetic & smart.

I'd be a carnation if I were a flower. I am down to earth and grounded. I tend to be more traditional than trendy. My confidence gets me through anything. People trust me and are very loyal to me.

If I were a gemstone, I'd be topaz. I'm comforting, considerate, and stable. I'm down to earth and grounded.

I'd be basil if I were a spice. I am loved by post people who take the time to get to know me.
I have a mild temperament, but my style is definitely distinctive. I am sweet, attractive, and often smell good.

My Goth name is Black Stratus.

My witness protection name is Sandra Olsen.

If I were a carnival ride, I would be a roller coaster. (Are there any other rides?) ;)

My handwriting says that I know how do pace myself, and I deal well with stress. I can be extroverted and outgoing. I am loving, friendly, and supportive. I am very detail oriented and meticulous. I am a careful thinker and a true intellectual. I need a bit of space in my life, but I'm not a recluse. I appreciate when people give me a small amount of privacy, and I respect their privacy as well. I am somewhat traditional, but am also open to change. I listen to my head and my heart.

My mind is blue. Of all the mind types, mine is the most mellow. I see things as how they really are. I spend a lot of time thinking about my friends, surroundings, and life.

My 'funky' Japanese name is "Temonoya"

If I were a crayon, I'd be blue. My world is colored in calm, understated, deep colors. I am a loyal person, and the truest friend anyone could hope to find. On the inside, I tend to be emotional and even a bit moody. However, I know that people depend on me, so I put on a strong front. My color wheel opposite is orange. Orange people may be opinionated, but I feel they lack the depth to truly understand what they're saying.

My main sense is sight. I am a very observant, detail oriented person. I see things that other people never notice. I have a good eye for design and aesthetics. I love to be surrounded by beauty - natural or not.

If I were a condiment, I would be mustard. I guess I have a strong personality?

If I were a utensil, I'd be a fork. I'm truthful, direct, straight forward, and can be a bit piercing at times.

My fridge says that I like to be surrounded by things I love. I'm not greedy, but can be materialistic at times. I'm a fairly thrifty person. I splurge occasionally, but I'm mostly a saver. I'm adventurous person. I love to try new things, but get bored very easily. I try to be responsible, but don't always succeed. My heart is in the right place though.

My body element is water. I am relaxed & flexible, and tend to go with the flow. I am accommodating, and adaptable. I willingly go whichever direction life is taking me, which changes from day to day. I live for helping others, and I have a generous spirit. My energy tends to be conserved.

My feet say that I am more expressive than most people. I tend to let everyone know how I'm honestly feeling - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm a very passionate person, and am easily inspired. I fall in love easily and develop strong bonds, and am attached to many people. I'm also easily frightened. I'm very practical and down to earth. I'm not spoiled and I love getting my hands dirty. I hold my ground and am true to my beliefs.

If I were a fruit, I'd be an apple. I'm strong, and even a bit stubborn at times. I have enough strength to help those around me in trouble. I'm adventurous and love life, and would enjoy traveling the world. I enjoy fine food, art, and culture. I've been accused of being a snob, but that's not accurate. I do enjoy good things in life, but unlike snobs, I truly appreciate quality... not just pretend to.

My pizza choice says that I like food that's traditional and well crafted. I am dependable, loyal, and conservative with my choices. I am cultured and intellectual. People say that I hardly eat, but I'm not under eating. I'm just not a pig.

If I had a superpower, it would be invisibility. I am stealth, complex, and creative. I never face problems head on. Instead, I rely on my craftiness to get my way. I thrive on being a little misunderstood. I happily work behind the scenes.

My famous last words will be "Yeah, I think I'll end there."
(Which is where I AM going to end...)

I just saw Twilight.

2008-11-21T22:43:00.000-08:00

But I have been forbidden to say anything about it until after Lori-ann sees the movie. So until then, I have taken a vow of silence.

That sucks, I can't even mention how amazing the soundtrack is... Oh, oops!

I've been tagged!

2008-11-15T15:05:00.000-08:00

And I never thought such a thing would ever happen to me. Awww, now I feel all important and such. ;)

Okay, here are 6 strange/quirky things about me...

1- I have cat toes.

2- I apparently have an obsession with taking pictures of my feet. Case in point, see picture above. Then see pictures below...

3- I am anal about expiration dates, especially on bread and dairy items. I will hunt through milk (and will usually be satisfied when I find one in the very back) that has the furthest out expiration date, even though I know that I'll have the milk consumed waaay before the expiration date. Something about the numbers makes it taste better.

4- Automatic doors vs. regular doors at stores. If the automatic door is the only option, fine. If there's normal doors as well, I'll walk to the normal door and open it. I'm not afraid of automatic doors, not at all. It's just that I feel that if my arms are able to open it, then I'll open it. Automatic doors are for people in wheel chairs & women pushing big bulky strollers.

5- I hate it when people should me. I seriously hate it. Almost as bad as when I am lied to. A good example is when I switched car insurance a few years back. I insured my car with a nation wide company with an office within a mile of our house, that has a very high reputation and decent rates. I chose that company because I felt good about that company. Then I had a friend ask me who I got my insurance through, casual conversation, and when I told him, the first thing he said was "Urgh. You SHOULD have gotten your insurance with this (very unknown, unlocal and obscure) company." And he seriously got angry and started debating it with me about why I SHOULD have done this, and why I SHOULDN'T have done that! Okay, first, what do YOU have to gain by what I SHOULD have done? No, you don't own that insurance company, you don't work for that insurance company, and no, you won't even get a referral bonus. So why do you care what decisions I make for me? And second, I already did it, it's done and over with, the decision is in the past. Already decided. So regardless of how opinionated you are, it will never change the fact that I already did it. And yes, without consulting you first.

I know it's an extreme example, but seriously I deal with this every day with little things too. "You should have gotten your milk at Allens because it's 15 cents cheaper there then at Wal-Mart." (Well, it will cost me more than 15 cents to drive there just for milk, so I'll just get it at Wal-Mart where I buy everything else anyway.) "You should have waited to put gas in your car, because Maverik just lowered the price 5 cents a gallon." (Well, how was I supposed to know that they were going to lower their prices? It's not like they put a sign out that says "Lower gas prices in a half hour. Come back then.")

Seriously. Don't should me on stupid trivial things that really don't matter to you in the first place, and things that neither of us can do anything about anyway.

6- I am willingly & happily married to Nolan. What more can I say?

Okay, now to tag: Tyffanie, Jessica, Elisa, Heather, Linda & Britty. You're it!

I can not handle debate.

2008-11-13T23:13:00.001-08:00

I hate it. I hate confrontation. I especially hate talk shows where people are yelling and screaming their opinions as loud as they can in an attempt to be louder and more outspoken than the other. It really gets under my skin too when people are so blind and so bull headed and stuck in their ways that they are refusing to admit or even acknowledge that perhaps their opinion just may not the only one. I can not stand arrogant, self centered, opinionated people whose thoughts and ideas are far superior to everyone else. The "I told you so" people. Get over yourselves, and mind your own business. The world does not revolve around you.

I unfortunately was in a situation the other day that caused a great deal of anxiety to me. Literally. My heart felt like it was grinding in my chest like gears grinding in a stick shift driven by an impatient teenager. I was nauseated. I was shaking. I felt like I was being tortured from the inside out. And what was happening? Debate. One opinion that was so egotistical that it could run its own country. Another opinion so angry that it could boil metal. End result? Tension so thick that you could cut it with a knife, if it didn't suffocate you first.

I could not handle it. So I left.

I had an epiphany that day. There were two very important questions that I needed to ask myself. First, is this a situation that I need to be involved in? Do I HAVE to be involved? Is this necessary? The answer is no. No I don't. No it isn't. Second, is there anything I can do about this situation? Yes. I can remove myself from it. Plain and simple.

Upon reflection today, those are two questions that I've been asking myself a lot lately, in a round about way. Is this necessary in my life? No, so get it out of your life. Do I need to be confronted by something trivial? No, so dismiss yourself from the conversation. But then does that make me a coward? Weak? Walking away from any contention? Turning my back and fleeing when faced with opposition? Running away from the opportunity to prove myself? Or does that make me brave? Strong? Knowing where I stand and refusing to be dragged down? Knowing my own truth, and believing in myself that it is unnecessary and a complete waste of time to defend myself to a person who could care less anyway?

But then I guess that only depends on the opinion of the person judging you, yeah?

Lori Cunningham - Unseen

2008-11-02T21:12:00.000-08:00

I want you all to know how amazing Lori-ann is, and how thrilled I am to see her achieve such a difficult goal. Let me give you a little background. (Sorry, Diva. This gets personal...)

Just over 3 years ago, I, by chance, sat next to Lori-ann at a church activity, just a few days after she moved into our neighborhood. All I knew was that she was another completely unfamiliar face, which, I admit, slightly intimidated me. My first thought when I saw her was "Don't bother, Donna. You'll never be good enough to be her friend, I'll bet she'll fit right into so-and-so's clique." So I really didn't make an effort towards conversation. Well, she introduced herself to the group and mentioned that she has a degree in vocal performance, and taught voice at BYU, and happened to teach voice lessons to somebody who was in our ward. That piqued my interest immediately, because my daughter (at the time) really wanted to be involved in school plays & choir, and needed much vocal improvement. So I swallowed my skepticism and turned to her to talk about voice for Britty. It was a incredibly noisy, so she pulled out her wallet to hand me a business card so that I could call her and talk about it in more detail. Well, her card was a Mary Kay business card and I immediately said "Great! Could you come over and teach my teenager how to take care of her skin too?" (Sorry Britty, but you understand.) So then, the ice was broken. Still didn't anticipate a friendship though.

Well, for anyone who knows me well, knows that I listen to some pretty obscure music, and that I am very passionate about deep, stirring, contemplative & emotional music that speaks to my soul and seems to understand my emotions. I thrive on it. Sadly, I can pretty much guarantee that if you ask me what I like, you'll not recognize one artist. Especially Bel Canto, which has been one of my staples for the past 15 years. It's actually been very frustrating for me to not have a friend with the same music interests. I figured I would forever enjoy my music solitary. But that doesn't stop me from playing my music when others are at my home, and trying my best to expose them to it. On this particular day, we had just gotten a new album from CD Baby, and I was enveloping myself with this new artist. I had Hungry Lucy playing when Lori-ann came over to give Britty her skin care class. She hadn't even made it into my kitchen before she asked what we were listening to, because she really liked it. Oh my gosh! Somebody actually LIKES the same music I do? Wow! She told me that was the kind of music she listens to. So, out of curiosity, and fully expecting a "who?" I asked her if she has heard of Bel Canto. Her response was "Oh my gosh, I LOVE Bel Canto!" I was shocked, then elated, and instantly started probing her about all the artists she's heard of. I think she was also taken by surprise that she found somebody that had similar interests, and more importantly, someone who loves and appreciates the same feel of music for the same reasons. I'm pretty sure up until that day, she too was enjoying her music style all by herself. We went through my mp3's & cd's, (and some of hers that were in her car), and spent the rest of the time talking music. Delerium, Amethystium, Blue Stone, Balligomingo, Conjure One... (Yes, I know. Anything to add more music links...) Anyway, I don't think we ever got out the Mary Kay stuff. It was far less important at that point.

And an instant friendship was formed.

As time went by, and I got to know her better, I started noticing how unhappy & unfulfilled she was with her Mary Kay business, and was picking up on the wishes and regrets. I remember having a conversation with her one day about all she used to do involving voice, and how she missed it. I asked her why she chose to concentrate all her efforts towards Mary Kay instead of working with the degree she had earned. Her answer was a simple dismissal. "It's a thing of the past. I have kids now, it's impossible." I was sad to hear that. Not only because I could see how Mary Kay was conforming her into some false sense of "happiness," but also because I was really curious about (and anxious to see) what talents she had that were hiding in the dark recesses of her mind.

Not too long after that conversation, I had discovered the artist Sleepthief, and was instantly mesmerized by one song in particular, Sublunar. Every time I heard it, I would get teary eyed and have chills, and kept thinking "She's gotta hear this." It was very convenient that on Auralgasms, (online radio), they'll tell you the upcoming tracks that they'll be playing. I had it playing on my computer, and saw that Sublunar was next in queue. So I called Lori-ann up and told her to get on her computer asap, crank the volume up, listen to the song, and call me back. So that she did.

This next conversation was a turning point for her. She called me back in tears. "That is what I want to do. That is the kind of music I want to create." It was no longer a wish, but now a desire, a goal. And almost immediately she dove into getting as much information as she could get about what equipment she needed to get started with. It was a very slow process, but the equipment came piece by piece. Then came the self teaching, the exploring, and the experiments. The trial and error. Many new discoveries, many new ideas, many new inspirations. The music started coming together. Her talents grew and strengthened. Every piece of music she wrote blew me away. I was amazed that she was able to create something so deep and beautiful. Many times as I was invited down to her "studio" to listen to her latest (and "unfinished, unmastered, and imperfect, so don't judge it") creations, I was blown away, and was amazed over and over again. So many melodies spoke to my emotions, some brought memories, some validated how I was feeling at that time. I never ceased to be impressed. The beautiful thing is that I thought they were all amazing and perfect, but I also could hear and feel the growth and improvement with each new track.

During this time of experimenting, learning and growth, were also some very trying times for Lori-ann. Equipment issues (over and over and over and over), family trials, very ill children, personal crisis, legal education... All of which would have had me throwing in the towel and calling it quits. (Especially the Alesis... I don't know how she managed the patience for that one!!!) But she didn't quit. She drudged through the mud and kept going. Nothing was going to stop her from completing her goal. I admire that determination. She has always been an inspiration to me, to want to make something better of myself. To not be afraid to follow a dream and do what you know will make you happy deep in your heart, no matter how many people balk at you, or tell you that you're not good enough, you'll never make it, don't waste your time, etc. No matter how many obstacles are thrown in to divert you off your path, or how many boulders are thrown right in front of you to stop you completely.

Well, after 2 years of blood, sweat and tears, I am so very happy to say that she did it! She withstood all the torrents. She reached her destination. It was not easy, in fact, it was living hell at times. But she did it, and I admire her, respect her, and deeply love her for that. And look at what she has now! A true work of her heart.

So Lori-ann, you're welcome. Thank you for letting me be such a big part of this dream. Thank you for sharing your beautiful talent with me, in all of its ever progressing stages. Thank you for adopting me into your family as well, and giving me a home away from home. Thank you for your unbiased friendship, and being able to see beyond the plain appearance and believing that I had something beautiful and of worth inside. And, thank you for allowing me to support you. That means the most to me. You know I'm your number 1 1/2 fan... heh heh

An interesting conversation I had.

2008-10-21T19:20:00.000-07:00

I am amazed at the knowledge & habits that I have, that I apparently was subconsciously practicing, but waiting for an experience for it to manifest itself so I could realize it had been applied to my life. Have you ever given advice or suggestions and had a light bulb turn on in your head, and realize that you are needing to tell this out loud to someone so that you yourself can hear the advice? Or felt that you were prompted to tell somebody something because you needed to tell it to yourself as well? I often wonder how many conversations are crafted in such a way that we are inspired to think into deeper meanings & learn things about ourselves.

With that said, this is an im conversation that I had with a friend of mine.

"The names have been changed to protect the innocent." ;)

Isaac: How are you doing?
Me: Good. How about you?
Isaac: I'm not sure. It's a long story. We have almost a years worth of history to catch up on.
Me: Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. Cliff's Notes version in the meantime?
Isaac: My Mom, who I haven't seen in 20 years by my choice, was relocated to Utah after her husband died, and let's just say it has been an adventure.
Me: Is she in Manti, or is she here in the valley?
Isaac: She lived with James in Ogden until about a month ago, then lived with us until she got her own place in Moab on Monday.
Me: Is Erin's mom still living with you too?
Isaac: She only stays for a couple of days every other week or so, so that's not a source of stress. Actually, she has become much easier to be around.
Me: It's good to hear that!
Isaac: She still talks all the time, but she is becoming a better listener and will let you go if you need to leave. A definite improvement.
Me: Good. She's learning your boundaries.
Isaac: True. We have come a long way. I used to be the devil incarnate and now I am a saint in her eyes.
Me: Wow. So things are good. It's all in which perception you look at it, yeah?
Isaac: Our perception is our reality, no denying that.
Me: Now the trick is remembering that when you're faced with challenges. They can either build you up or tear you down.
Isaac: Isn't that the truth. But why does it seem challenges come when you're the weakest or already going down for the count?
Me: Because Satan is an asshole, and kicking you when you're down is the only way he knows how to play his game. Come to think about it, he really isn't that brilliant.
Isaac: No, you're right. He isn't that brilliant. He just knows us too well.
Me: That's what he wants us to believe.
Isaac: Is that what lead our downfall? So you think we might be helping him destroy us by deceiving ourselves into believing that he knows us when in fact it is ourselves that give him the tools?
Me: Could be. Once we allow ourselves to admit defeat, we let our guards down, and that is when he gets us. At least that's my opinion, not doctrine, obviously. But that is what's keeping me strong. He doesn't know the whole of me. Just my weaknesses. Only the Lord knows the whole of me.
Isaac: That is very true. You would think that with almost forty years experience I would be doing better than I am right now. Aaaaaagggghhh!!!
Me: He (satan) has no idea what potential my strengths have.
Me: You know, it took me looking him in the eye to realize that. He had me so low that I felt like all was lost. Then I realized that I allowed myself to fall with his coaching.
Isaac: Which he exploits at any sign of weakness.
Me: I know, I know. He doesn't play fair. We just need a smarter strategy than he.
Isaac: Very astute. I've never seen it in that light before. What's worked for you?
Me: I try to look at all things from different perspectives to be able to see clearly. It's as simple as that, but is very difficult all the same.
Isaac: Can you give me an example?
Me: Okay, say someone deeply offends you. Our first reaction is defense and anger. But if we try to put ourselves in their shoes, we may see that they meant well, but we misunderstood what they said or meant. Or perhaps they were acting on misinformation, if that makes any sense. Or even perhaps we ourselves didn't understand the whole situation and allowed ourselves to be offended without finding out what the whole situation was. There is always an explanation.
Isaac: That makes perfect sense. Too bad the emotional reaction gets in the way.
Me: I've actually had a situation in my office recently that almost tore me apart, until I realized why they acted the way they did, and I realized I'd have done the same if it were me. And it was all because of misinformation, or a lack of communication. I am so thankful I allowed a moment in their shoes.
Isaac: I seem to find myself misunderstanding people more and more lately.
Me: I understand misunderstanding. Wow, that was an oxymoron!
Isaac: Or something brilliant. So what has allowed you to take that step in someone else's shoes?
Me: I got sick of depression and anger. It was eating a hole in me, and was oozing negativity on everyone I loved. I had a breakdown.
Isaac: I could see that. I'm very happy for you that you have been able to see it for yourself.
Me: Then I saw how my depression was not affecting only me. It was killing my whole family, and hurting my good friends.

Me: Then I started thinking about what the kids must be feeling, having to pick up the pieces I left all over the place, and how unfair that is to them. It's not their responsibility, it's mine.

Me: And I was wondering how I would react if Nolan hated himself as much as I hated me, and wondered if I could bear seeing that pain in his eyes, the same loathing pain he saw in mine. I know it killed him.
Isaac: Ouch... as in gut wrenching. Our children can make us look at ourselves when we would just rather die.
Me: So that's what got me thinking about perceptions.
Isaac: So a paradigm shift in your thinking? Looking through others eyes or walking in their shoes instead of focusing on your own loathing. Wow!
Me: Like I said, it's as simple as that, but incredibly difficult at the same time. But all I can say is that the clarity is invigorating!
Isaac: Maybe some of this new found enlightenment can rub off on me? I am very serious. No sarcasm intended.
Me: I sure hope so. I am eternally thankful that the fog has lifted. I can't even begin to tell you how invigorating it is. Like hiking one hellatious mountain just to be rewarded with a breathtaking view of where you just were, and all the places you could possibly go.
Isaac: So you feel that your new view is heaven sent?
Me: Absolutely. Because the Lord knows me better than Satan.
Isaac: That makes sense. We have got to talk some more about this.
Me: I'd love to. But now it's late, and we both need cuddles from our spouses. :)
Isaac: Thanks for chatting with me, and giving me some things to think about. I'll talk to you soon.
Me: Sounds good. Have a good night.
Isaac: I will. You too.

Yes, I will have a good night. And a good day tomorrow too.

As Anne (of Green Gables) so often says "Isn't it nice to know that tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it?"

And also from Anne of Green Gables comes this profound thought (which has actually been brought up on occasion in Relief Society):

Anne: "Can't you even imagine being in the depths of despair?"

Marilla: "No, I can not. To despair is to turn your back on God."

I had a wonderful day!

2008-10-18T21:39:00.000-07:00

Our little man was baptized on Saturday. He seemed so sure of his decision, and his elation at making a good choice was emanating from him all day. He was beaming. My only regret is that he changed out of his little suit before I was able to catch him on camera. I'll get one though. It was precious. My little man.

Look at how happy he is. Yes, the spirit was definitely rejoicing with him! What's funny, is that Forrest got to be baptized twice because his knee came up out of the water the first time. What's even funnier is that Emma had to be baptized twice as well, because her toe popped up out of the water. Not many people can say they got baptized twice in one day!

Nolan is a recent convert to the church. He was baptized in 2002. Nolan was saying that when he baptized Forrest, feelings and memories from his own baptism flooded over him, and the spirit touched him. It was obvious that he was overwhelmed with the spirit because he was choking up while performing the ordinance. I wish I knew what that felt like. I don't remember my baptism at all. Only that I waited a few months for my sister to return home from her mission in Finland so that she could be there.

After our get together at our house, I had the opportunity to attend another baptism. Now I'm not saying that Forrest's baptism wasn't special, not at all. But THIS particular baptism was really special, and was a huge huge blessing. I experienced a re-baptism of somebody who had been ex-communicated almost 2 decades ago, (unfortunately because of inappropriate and uncalled for doings of some of her church leaders at that time) and was very bitter, as anyone would be after experiencing what she did. Yes, this baptism was a big deal. Not only for her paradigm shift, and allowing the gospel to enrich her life again, but also because for this kind of baptism, the First Presidency has to approve it. How amazing is that, that President Monson, President Eyring & President Uchtdorf know about her, what she went through, what she's going through now, and gave her their blessings. Wow. Not many people have that privilege. The spirit was so strong in there. Her son who performed the ordinance was in tears, her son-in-law, who confirmed her, also chocked up during the blessing. There were very few dry eyes in that room. There were many many prayers that were answered that day.

That experience reminded me that the gospel is true, but sometimes the members are not. They can either make or break the religion. When in doubt, get on your knees and pray. The Lord will comfort your heart.

By request, some nummy recipes. :)

2008-09-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

Britty was given an assignment in her health class to come up with a healthy pizza, using wheat, lots of veggies and minimal cheese. Well, we've already got that down to a science. But for her assignment's sake, we made pizza again, and this time I took pictures to document it. (So for fun, I'll post those too.) But then, I was thinking I've had enough people ask for some specific recipes, including the pizza dough, so I thought it would make sense to post them here.

Pizza Dough:
(Thanks to Diane for giving me this recipe!)

2 cups flour
1 cup wheat flour
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 package yeast (about 1 tbsp)
3 tablespoons olive or vegetable oil
1 cup VERY warm water (120-130 degrees)

In a large bowl, mix 1 cup of the flour, sugar, salt, and yeast. Add oil and warm water. Beat with electric mixer on medium speed for 3 minutes, scraping bowl frequently. (I mix by hand)

Stir in enough remaining flour until dough is soft and leaves sides of bowl. Knead 5-8 minutes or until dough is smooth and springy.

Cover loosely with plastic wrap and let rest for 30 minutes. Heat oven at 425 degrees.

Grease two pizza stones (or cookie sheets or 12 inch pans) with oil. Pat 1/2 of dough on each pan, and allow dough to rise again. (Here is the key) Partially bake 7-8 minutes or until crust begins to brown.

Add toppings and bake for another 10 minutes.

Now you'll never order out again. ;)

Not your average run of the mill zucchini bread. Trust me. :)

2 cups flour
1 cup wheat flour (sometimes I do half and half.)
2 cups sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
4 eggs, beaten
1 cup oil
3 cups grated zucchini
peel of one orange, washed & minced.

This recipe is delicious even without the orange peel, but is even better with. :)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Butter two 9-inch loaf pans and dust with flour or wheat germ. Mix all the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt in a large bowl. In a smaller bowl, beat the eggs, then blend in the oil. Use a spatula to mix the egg mixture into the dry ingredients in several additions, then fold in the zucchini and the orange peel. (It will be thick, you may need to use your hands). Divide the batter evenly between the two pans and bake for 50-60 minutes or until the top springs back when pressed lightly with a finger. The bread may cool in the pans for 5 to 15 minutes before being turned out onto a rack or plate. Makes two 9-inch loaves.

*Wanna make this into muffins? Go for it! It'll make 24, bake for 30 minutes.

"Patriotic Cookies"
(Cranberry-blueberry-white chocolate-macadamia...)

2 3/4 cups flour
(While we're on a wheat kick, why not mix it up?)
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups butter, softened
1 1/2 cups brown sugar
1 cup sugar
4 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 package white chocolate chips
2 jars (abt. 6 oz.) chopped macadamia nuts
5 cups oats
1 1/2-2 cups dried cranberries
1 cup dried blueberries

Preheat oven to 375. Beat butter & sugars until creamy. Add eggs & vanilla. Mix in baking powder, baking soda & salt, then add flour. Mix well. Add oats, fruit & chocolate. Using a medium sized scoop, place dough about 2" apart (they will spread). Bake 14-16 minutes, or until edges are golden brown.

Any other recipes you'd like?

Relief Society Women's Meeting.

2008-09-27T20:01:00.000-07:00

I actually had forgotten that it was tonight, and obviously wasn't planning on going. However, I am grateful for the events that led to me being able to go, and am especially grateful to Lori-ann for putting up with my kids while I went. I was touched by some of the things that President Uchtdorf had to say, and I know that he was talking to me (and unfortunately many many women around the world as well.) I feel refreshed, and blessed, knowing that the Lord is aware of my inner struggles, and inspired one of his servants to talk on the subject. Along the same lines, it is encouraging to know that because he talked about it, I am not alone. Although it did sadden me as well to know that there are other women struggling with the same battle as I am. If any of you are interested in watching the broadcast, it's already available on byu.tv. All the talks were touching on very important and inspiring subjects, but for me personally, President Uchtdorf really hit the nail in the coffin.

Here are some of the things that he said that touched me:

"I am grateful for you and who you are, treasured daughters of our Heavenly Father with infinite worth."

"No matter how perfect everything is, looks, or tastes, Harriet will apologize for something that she thinks is imperfect." (Don't we all?)

"To me it appears that our splendid Sisters sometimes under value their abilities. They focus on what is lacking or imperfect, rather than that which has been accomplished, and who they really are."

"We know that sometimes it can be difficult to keep our heads above water, in fact, in our world of change, challenges & check lists, sometimes it can seem nearly impossible to avoid feelings over run by emotions of suffering or sorrow. I am not suggesting that we can simply flip a switch and stop the negative feelings that distress us. This isn't a pep talk, or an attempt to encourage people who are sinking in quick sand to imagine instead that they are relaxing on a beach. I recognize that in all of our lives, there are real concerns. I know that there are hearts here today that harbor deep sorrows. Others wrestle with fears that trouble the soul. For some, loneliness is their secret trial. These things are not insignificant."

"Creating and being compassionate are two activities that we, as his spirit children, can and should emulate."

"Isn't it remarkable to think that your very spirits are fashioned by an endlessly creative and eternally compassionate God? Think about it. Your spirit body is a masterpiece, created with the beauty, function and capacity beyond imagination."

"You may think that you don't have talents, but that is a false assumption. For we ALL have talents and gifts, every one of us."

"So what if what you create is not perfect. Don't let fear of failure discourage you. Don't let the voice of critics paralyze you, whether that voice comes from the outside, or the inside."

"Sisters, trust and rely on the spirit as you take the normal opportunities of your daily life, and create something of beauty and helpfulness. You improve not only the world around you, but also the world within you."

"When we reach out to bless the lives of others, our own lives are blessed as well."

"As we lift others, we rise a little higher ourselves."

"True words of encouragement require only a loving and caring heart, but may have an eternal impact on the lives of those around you."

"Let us open our eyes and see the heavy hearts. Let us notice the loneliness and despair. Let us feel the silent prayers of others around us and let us be an instrument in the hands of the Lord to answer those prayers."

"As spirit daughters of our Heavenly Father, happiness is your heritage. You are choice daughters of our heavenly father, and through the things that you create, and by your compassionate service, you are a great powerful good."

"God loves you, we love you and admire you."

Autumn. Aaaah, beauty.

2008-09-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

I escaped into the mountains the other day. Let me show you what I found on my hike...

Isn't it just beautiful?

The whole Midnight Sun ordeal.

2008-09-01T01:59:00.000-07:00

Long story short:
Somebody leaked the first 12 chapters of Midnight Sun, and they got posted online. On Stephenie Meyer's website, she hints that she has an idea as to who the culprit is. Not sure if she was violated directly by the person she trusted the manuscript with, or if an outsider got ahold of the unprotected project. Regardless, the damage has been done. She has been violated, and now has no ambition to finish the project. I don't blame her. She opted to go ahead and post those chapters (in raw un-edited form) on her website to prevent any further illegal downloads of her work. Pretty much "Here's all that you get, thanks to that person that ruined it for all."

Well, after debating back and forth for a few days, I finally gave in and read it (legally on Stephenie's website), and am so glad that I did. Now I have a completely different perspective on Edward's mood swings, and also Bella doesn't seem like a selfish whiner now that I have seen her through his eyes. Now I feel horrible for thinking she was a brat. Now I look forward to re-reading Twilight (for the 4th time) with a whole new perspective.

Needless to say, Stephenie is absolutely brilliant, and it infuriates me that someone would betray her like this. I hope that over time she will find the desire and ambition again to finish this beautiful project. I can imagine Midnight Sun being even more anticipated and successful than Twilight. Especially now.

In a group that I belong to, I came across this post:
"She explains what happened and how she doesn't feel she can continue to write Midnight Sun. It's so sad. I belong to a group on Flickr that has a link to a petition to get Stephanie to continue writing for her fans. If you are interested here is the link: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/petition/345116618"

I understand that this petition has good intentions, but the fact is that Stephenie is distraught and broken right now, and no amount of petitions can force her to be inspired and write again this soon. She needs time to sort out this mess, and it is completely acceptable (albeit sad) for her to feel depressed & hopeless, and afraid to be betrayed again. She will write again when SHE is ready to, not when people tell her to. It is like forcing somebody who has been cheated on to love again the next day. It just doesn't work that way.

And in the words of Chris Crocker: "Leave Stephenie alone! Leave her a-lo-ooo-ooone!"

Small price to pay for the life of my kids.

2008-08-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot to think about since last week. Isn't it frightening how thin the line between life and death is? Have you ever been in a situation where you realize one or two seconds later would have been too late? Have you ever had some life experiences replay themselves for you and you realize how dangerous the situation was (and could have been), or marvel at the fact that everyone is safe and wonder how & why they made it out safely? Or even in my case, a few times, I wonder why I was spared, and need to thank the Lord for that blessing. I laid in bed the other night realizing how many times I was within a snap of the fingers from fatality, whether it was me or my kids. Many many near misses. So many that I realize I must have a purpose here. Same with my kids. They were spared because they still have some purpose to fulfill here.

So what brought this on? Well, last week the kids & I (and a good friend of mine) went up into the mountains to find solitude. We ended up at a beautiful lake. Of course, we have to swim. How can you not? Anyway, we were there for a while, and Forrest was doing really really good to stay right by us, where the water was shallow enough that he could stand and keep his head well above the water, and of course stay within our sight. He started heading towards the shore and all of a sudden dropped down and couldn't get his head above water. I was in the water and to him within seconds. But had my head been turned the other way, even to flick a fly off my arm, I wouldn't have seen him go down. Even though he was right there in front of me. It would have been too late and I would have lost him. So while I was in the water with him, I felt around with my feet and found that there was a hole in the ground that was a few feet deeper, then it went back to the other depth. As if there once was a large rock that had been removed and left a hole. That's what he stepped into. He went down with the hole. Had he been 1 foot either to the left or the right, he'd have been fine. How fitting to life that is, when we think we're safe and have good footing, that's when the ground falls out from beneath us and catches us off guard.

Then about an hour later, Emma was playing on a floating log that she found earlier. She could sit on and use it as a floatie. So she sat on the log and lounged, and the current slowly took her further and further out. I started getting nervous, so I was calling to her to paddle herself back to shore. Britt swam out to be with her and to help her come back. The log was protesting swimming against the current, so they abandoned the log and swam on their own. It's Emma that has the calcium buildup in her muscles and arthritis, so I was getting nervous about her muscles fatiguing before she got to shore. I was watching them work and work and not get much closer. At that time I was telling Jess that I was worried about her wearing herself out and not being able to swim the rest of the way. Then I called to her and asked if she wanted me to come in and help her. Of course when she yelled back yes, she slipped under the water too. Britt was doing her best to keep Nem above water, but was struggling because it was deep enough that even she couldn't stand to hold herself up. So for the second time, I jumped in, fully clothed, to pull my struggling child out of the water. It's amazing that I was able to make it out to her so quickly. It seems that I was out there within a few seconds, where she was a good 50 feet or so from shore.

So twice that day, I watched two different children come painstaking close to drowning. Not because I was a bad parent and wasn't watching them, and not because my neglect put them in danger. No. Not that at all. In fact, they're both excited to go to the lake again next week. It's just that life is such a fragile thing and can be taken away in the blink of an eye. We may not be aware of how many times we almost cross that line. But I wonder what it is that I am supposed to learn from this experience.

The only fatality reported that day in the lake was that of my beloved cell phone, which was in the pocket of my shorts when I jumped into the water the first time. Small price to pay for the life of my son.

Strange visions, raging headaches.

2008-07-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

I've been getting these strange headaches during the past couple of weeks. Now I am no stranger to migraines, not in the least. I'm used to seeing little floating sparkles and black specks, but I've had completely different visions. What I've seen looks somewhat like a halo or an aura that is crescent shaped. It is very geometric, like the crescent has dozens of prisms that are reflecting the northern lights at different angles and brightnesses. Like I'm looking into a portal to another dimension.

Whatever I am attempting to focus on, the sparkling seems to wrap itself around it. The first time it happened, I thought maybe my eye was wigging out. So I closed it. Still saw the sparkles. So I closed the other eye. Still sparkles. So I closed both eyes. Still sparkles. Okay, not my eyes. So it's something in my head. Great. That episode lasted an hour, then followed with a headache that felt like a vice grip around my crown, but also felt like extreme pressure from the inside, like the brain is swelling with every heart beat. I've experienced one or the other, but never both at the same time. I literally thought I was dying.

A few days past, then I had another sparkle vision, this time it lasted about 2 hours, then came the headache that had me vomiting.

Well, yesterday, I WOKE UP with the sparkling crescent already on display. Not a good sign. I went into work, did the best I could despite my vision being obstructed with this bright light refracting object. After 4 hours, it wasn't showing any signs of letting up, so I told the Chiropractor that I work with what has been happening, and asked if that sounds like it could possibly be an optical nerve impingement.

He sent me to the imaging center for an MRI immediately. He called them with instructions while I was on my way. Within a half hour of leaving my office, I was in the MRI tube. Then things got fun.

So in the MRI, the machine puts out all sorts of different vibrating (screeching) sounds at different frequencies that cause different responses in your body. Well, every 5 minutes or so, the machine does 3 long sounds that sound like the emergency broadcasting warning. Well, my body reacted to those. Every time (on the 3rd buzz, which is odd), my right arm all the way from my shoulder joint down to my fingers felt like it was being zapped & electrocuted. It was very painful! I told the tech afterwards, and he said he'd never heard about that before. I really wonder if it's connected.

So here's my questions:
First, has anybody had any headache/vision issues like that? If so, did you ever find out what it was? Is there something that triggers it? Is it treatable? Am I doomed for the rest of my life to have it conjure itself up at the most inopportune times?
Second, has anybody had an MRI that their body reacted to like that? Am I abnormal?

I need your opinions!!!

2008-07-18T10:26:00.000-07:00

I am planning on entering some photographs into the county fair, but I just found out last night that I can only submit THREE! How am I possibly supposed to pick THREE!? Sigh. Okay, I've narrowed it down to 20 something, and now I would like your opinions, especially since they're my photos, I'm pretty biased. Out of these, what are your favorites and why? What do you think would be good to submit, and what wouldn't? What would you pick if you were judging?

...so what do you think?

Day 6 - June 19th SAN DIEGO!

2008-07-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

Not that I was elated to get off the Elation, but I admit I was ready to have my feet on solid ground again. A weeks worth of rocking was more than enough for me. However, very appreciative of the experiences & opportunities I was given all the same. Seriously, a HUGE THANK YOU to Mom & Dad for making this possible. We love you!!!

We arrived at the pier and were off the boat much earlier that thought, so we had some time to kill while waiting for our ride. Thankfully the train station was only 2 blocks east of the boat, so we had somewhere to hang, and Nolan had something to entertain him while waiting.

Once we were with Kel, we drove around down town & did some typical touristy things: saw some interesting landscaping, visited some cool areas, ate some nummy food, and of course, went shopping in stores that only San Diego would have (besides Wal-Mart, of course).

The funny thing is that it was HOT! So the whole time on the cruise, the weather was overcast, windy and chilly. Then we get off the boat and it's over 100! Go figure. Yeah, if I had time, I would have definitely hit the beach and jumped in the freezing water just to cool off, something that was not an option on the cruise.

Once back at the airport, we were entertained by the new cleaning crew that was employed by the airport. They hopped around, quietly cleaning up all the crumbs that people left, relatively going unnoticed. I think the best part was that they were energy conscious, didn't have to run a vacuum at all! ;) Really though, the birds were cute, and I believe they have a nest in the terminal. It was a cute little way to end our trip, as we were awaiting the jumbo bird to arrive and take us back home to our family.

Day 5 - June 18th ENSENADA!

2008-07-09T16:27:00.000-07:00

The fog was the thickest I had seen on the cruise. Early in the morning we were woken by the boat blowing it's horn for 5 seconds in 30 second intervals. This lasted for well over an hour, as the boat slowly creeped through the fog. A few of us stood on the bow, fully entertained with wondering where we were going. The fog was icy cold, and contained tiny tiny water droplets, so after not too long, we were all sufficiently misted, and our hair and eyebrows (and facial hair for the men) looked frosted.
At times our visibility was only a few feet, but most of the time we could see a dozen or so yards out. During the better visibility, we were treated to a sweet show by the local dolphins as they were keeping pace with the ship, just a few yards away from the boat's wake, and also by some beautiful birds who skimmed the surface above the dolphins. It was beautiful and serene. I had an emotion that I can't quite describe while I was out there watching the life. Like I said in a previous blog, I felt solitude, yet I felt surrounded. I felt like a little insignificant being in a vast world. I felt peaceful, I felt alone, yet I felt company. I know, It's bizarre. But I guess that's just how I work. I have many different aspects hitting different emotions all at the same time.
As we were pulling into port, as land was becoming visible, we saw another cruise ship docked, still nearly submerged in the fog. It was neat seeing another boat of such great size from this perspective, since all my other vantage points were from sea level. Still amazed that something the size of a small city (stacked on top of itself, of course) can float on water. I'd think it would be an engineering nightmare, but the design is centuries old. Just improved over the decades. Amazing.

Once off the boat, Nolan & I headed out along with part of our family to an area much further away than we thought it would be, about a 45 minute drive further, called La Bufadora. We were able to drive along the coast and catch glimpses of the water and also the mountains as the sun was starting to burn through the fog, causing it to lift. If you go to google earth and look up Ensenada, Mexico, then look up La Bufadora, you'll be able to see how far we were taken. I didn't realize until I looked it up that it was way out on the tip of a peninsula.
We were dropped off in a parking lot about a mile away from La Bufadora, and were able to walk down to it through an open air market. It reminded me of a state fair. Except at least at the fairs the vendors wait for you to come to them. Here, they were all inviting us to their shop. Of course, they rely on the American tourists to provide their income. It's okay, I had fun looking, and was satisfied that I was able to get some good Mexican vanilla, and some cool hand made sandals for me and the girls.
La Bufadora, translated means "The Blowhole." Although this technically isn't a hole, it is a deep crevice in the cliffs, which compresses the waves as they come in and thrusts the water upwards at an explosive rate. It was neat because we'd see the wave start to roll in, then we'd hear this thunderous grumble, then a few seconds later the water would shoot up like an explosion.
Each time the water would shoot in different directions, different heights and with different force. It made it all that more entertaining to watch a dozen or so shoot back out to sea, then have one completely drench the onlookers. Dad was elated with all the different senses that were being stimulated all at the same time. It was really neat because he was able to tell us when it was going to be more forceful just by the sound of the waves coming in. Then it was even more rewarding when he felt the spray afterwards. It was quite the display, the landscape was stunning, the colors in the water were beautiful, I didn't want to leave.
To get an idea, go to you tube and look up La Bufadora and watch footage of it. It really was quite a neat spectacle. Another example of how nature can awe you. Nothing man made can duplicate this.
The majority of the fog had dissipated by the time we made it back to the boat, (which I was quite relieved that we made it back there safely after experiencing the road habits of Mexican bus drivers). Once again, we joined up on the bow of the ship to watch its exit from Ensenada, and to give us the one glimpse of the city that was earlier obscured by the fog. One thing I found fascinating (besides La Bufadora, of course), was the Mexican Flag that they had raised. It may not look like much in this picture, but to put it into perspective, the cruise ship is in the harbor, the flag pole was at least a quarter mile into town. That flag would have nearly covered the side of the ship if it were hung there! That was one massive flag! On google earth, the flag is casting a rather large shadow. I'm curious as to its dimensions.
As we were back out to sea, the fog and clouds quickly rolled back in, giving me yet another stunningly beautiful skyscape display. This evening was another of literal solitude on the bow, admiring the beauty that the Lord had painted all around me, and saddened that no one else was up there with me to share it with.
It was breathtaking, and I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to be able to once again take in the simplistic beauty of our complex ecosystem. Yes, that night I was feeling blessed in many ways.

Day 4 - June 17th

2008-07-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

Another day at sea, which meant more laying around, playing games with the family, and exploring. :)

We started our day by meeting out on the back of the deck for another group picture, this time wearing our Cowan Clan shirts that were made specifically for this occasion. The image on the shirts was a beautifully detailed Crest that was made up of different images that represented parts of Mom's ancestry, and also Dad's ancestry. Also, as an inside family joke, written on the banner is the Latin translation of "The third number repeated three times." Hahaha! I think Reed did an amazing job, even with him interjecting his sarcasm. It is brilliant.

Nolan & I wandered around the ship for a little bit, and ended up on the front spotting whale pods. I didn't get to see any majestic fins sticking up out of the water, but we were able to see them spouting, and once in a while skimming the surface exposing their dorsal side. It was somewhat comforting to me to know that even out in the middle of nowhere, where we can easily feel so alone, there is all sorts of life abounding all around us.

We couldn't resist the perfect opportunity for a romantic picture... ;) Linda says it looks like the cover of a romance novel. I say nah, I'm not near sexy enough, and I'm dressed too modestly. LOL! Although I will admit that the wind blowing my hair around his shoulder makes a nice effect, as though caressing him. Okay, yeah, maybe romance novel material. (But insert different models, please.)

Can I just tell you that I love my husband?

Okay, it's FREEZING COLD! Go INSIDE!!!

During dinner this night, the dining staff decided to entertain us by performing the "Macarena" which was quite surprising and hilarious. Reed & Sandy decided to join in on the fun. And thus the laughs begin.

After dinner, we succeeded at completely embarrassing our parents again, this time by playing songs that remind us of them, some sentimental, others reminding of embarrassing moments and some just down right silly. Like Dad's Der Fuhrers's Face.

I think I could officially call this a bi-polar night. Laughing and crying and laughing again, and crying again, almost instantaneously. Wouldn't have missed it for the world though.

Day 3 - June 16th CABO!

2008-06-26T14:24:00.000-07:00

The weather cleared up for a beautiful day in Cabo, although the temperatures only stayed in the 70's. Even the locals mentioned that the weather was unusual for them this time of year. I was not complaining, it was finally warm, but not sweltering heat. Our ship anchored out in the bay, since Cabo doesn't have a port that can handle such a large vessel. We boarded tender boats that took us to the pier, where we were immediately greeted by swarms of the local merchants offering to sell us all sorts of souvenirs, or to take us on rides in their glass bottom boats.
Tricia, Linda & I were able to share an amazing experience. We had the opportunity to swim & interact & play with a dolphin. We were divided into small groups in a large pool that was the home to 5 or 6 dolphins. Each group had their own dolphin that entertained them with all sorts of flips & tricks. I believe there were 3 or 4 other groups in the pool at the same time. I had a blast with our dolphin, Jenny. Personally, I think we got the better end of the deal. You see, Jenny was 4 months pregnant and not quite in the mood to do flips and acrobatics. Instead, she interacted much more with us.
She reminded me of my cats at home. She'd weave herself in and out around our legs like cats do as they're attempting to see if they can trip you, then she'd nuzzle up to us then flip over on her back so we could rub her belly. I'd rather have a more personal dolphin than one that is doing lots of tricks. I guess I like more personal interaction. :)

I think the best part was when Jenny gave us all rides! She took us all around twice, once with us holding on her dorsal fin, and again on her back with us on her belly holding her side fins. I am so thrilled that I had that opportunity, especially happy that I got to share it with my sisters. :)

After the dolphin play time, while I was exploring the water front side of Cabo, I found a booth looking for donations to help build an animal conservancy. As a thanks for a donation, they had a cute little lion cub that was available for cuddles. I couldn't pass that one up. I had her in my arms for only a minute or two and she fell asleep! It was so stinkin adorable! Needless to say, I believe I had two once in a lifetime opportunities in Cabo that day. Very grateful for the experience.

As we were leaving Cabo, we passed by the very southern tip of the Baja California peninsula, appropriately called "Land's End." It was an absolutely beautiful arrangement of majestic boulders jetting up out of the water. There were so many of them, that different ones were visible from different vantage points as the boat was sailing down and around to head back to the Pacific. At one angle, one of the formations looks like a llama! It's great!

Not too long after we passed around Land's End, back onto the Pacific Ocean from the Sea of Cortez, the clouds and fog rolled back in, and our day of blue skies was over. Aaaah, such beauty I saw that day.

Day 2 - June 15th

2008-06-25T13:29:00.001-07:00

This was our first full day at sea. The weather was still pretty cold and cloudy, so there wasn't much motivation to hang out on the sun deck, except in the over-populated hot tubs, of course. :) Yeah, Nolan wasn't too happy that he didn't pack his hoodie. At least he has long pants & shoes. I didn't even pack any of those. Just capri's & flip flops.

I was relieved to find that my motion sickness was starting to ease up, the medication was starting to work, and also being outside actually helped. It really affected me much more being in the inclosed areas, but something about being outside helped quite a bit. Interesting how that works.

We held a small Sunday service in my parent's state room. It was neat to hear my family sing hymns a cappella. It was even more touching when we all paid heartfelt thanks to our parents for everything they are, and everything they've done to help us be who we are today. I am forever indebted to them.

This night was also the Captains Dinner, where the idea is to dress as nice & elegant as possible to pay respect to the Captain. Some people didn't quite understand that concept and took it as a "dress as skanky as possible" night. One woman's "dress" dipped down so low in the back that it was a few inches below her bra, and was so short that if not careful we could also see if her bra & panties were a matched set! Aaaah! Thank goodness for LDS modesty guidelines! Nolan was looking good though...

One of my goals with the cruise was to watch (& photograph) the sun setting over the Pacific. Sadly due to the cloud layers hanging around the ocean, I was only able to capture one sunset. It was breathtaking. I was once again awe struck and amazed at the beauty that the Lord has created. I am saddened that so many people take for granted or don't appreciate the raw beauty of nature.

I'd be perfectly content and entertained to stand out on deck for hours and watch the clouds cross the sky, or watch for flying fish launching themselves from the wake of the boat, or watch the sun set and the moon rise, or spotting pods of whales off in the distance, or watching the dolphins swimming along with the boat. Why stay inside and watch a racy Vegas style show, or hang in the casino when you have all that outside? People just don't know what they're missing. I guess at the same time though, I was grateful for the solitude I was offered on the deck of the boat. Gave me lots of pondering time.

Day 1 - June 14th

2008-06-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

This day happened to be our 15th year anniversary! But that wasn't the occasion for the cruise. The cruise celebration was actually for my parent's 50th anniversary. My dad opted to go on a cruise for the milestone celebration instead of having a reception, because "receptions are for old people," as my dad said. No complaints here! I'm thinking that's a wonderful idea! Nolan & I are already planning our 50th celebration. We're liking the idea of Alaska. Of course, we'll have to go between now and then to scout it out. ;)

We arrived at the harbor in San Diego around noon, and a little surprised at the fog lingering in the air. I had hoped it would clear up to give us a picturesque experience, but no, the fog persisted and only thickened the further we were out to sea. It was still beautiful though. Passing by the lighthouse in the fog only added to the experience. Unfortunately I left my camera in my stateroom when we passed by that. :(

We didn't waste time, and immediately gathered for our first night of festivities. Appropriately entertained by Reed, and had Mom & Dad laughing to tears as we were going over our own version of sign language, since we all can't seem to talk without using our hands. :)

Yes, a great start to our trip together. :)

Almost home!

2008-06-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

Nolan & I are sitting here in the airport in San Diego waiting for our flight home! I have literally HUNDREDS of pictures that I took while on our little trip that I am eager to share, but I promise I'll only pick a few of the best ones. Unfortunately, my power cord for my MacBook was stolen while on my cruise, and my battery is all but dead, and that's where my pictures are stored. So when I get home, and am able to conjure up a new power supply, I will post pictures. :)

I hope everyone has had a wonderful week! And a HUGE THANK YOU to Lori-ann & Tyffanie for your help with my kids. You two are wonderful, and I am ever so grateful. Thank you.

Currently on the cruise...

2008-06-17T00:13:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time to get on, partly because we are crazy busy with family get togethers and other events, but also because internet isn't as readily available as I originally thought. Here is a very quick update for now, and I'll post a nice loooong story when I get home, I promise.

I was surprised to find that the motion of the boat really affected me. I spent all day Saturday feeling like I was standing on top of a roller coaster, incredibly dizzy, a bit nauseated & flushed, and all over wondering if this was going to be the longest most miserable week of my life. Aaah, but dramamine to the rescue, and now I'm feeling great. Now to get the weather to cooperate. It's been cold, windy, and very foggy. Not exactly ideal cruise weather. But it makes the hot tubs more desirable. :)

Today we spent the day in Cabo San Lucas. While there, I was given two once in a lifetime opportunities, swimming with a pregnant dolphin, and holding a baby lion cub. The weather cleared up just for the afternoon, and I am officially sunburnt on my face. And here I thought my skin would see no sun on this cruise. The landscape in Cabo (once you get away from the ghetto) is absolutely beautiful. Especially land's end. Reminds me of Cannon Beach in Oregon.

Tomorrow is another full day at sea, and is already full of planned activities with the fam. Wednesday is a day on shore at Ensanada, and my only desire is to be able to play frisbee on the beach with somebody. Yes, I'm a simpleton.

I'm having a blast here, and am incredibly grateful for this experience. Okay, I'm off, but I'll post more later in the week, including pictures! :)

Later!
~Donna

End of the School Year festivities :)

2008-06-09T23:21:00.000-07:00

Here's a little taste of what I was doing with the kids during the last few weeks of school. Enjoy! :)

7th & 8th grade field trip to Promontory Point

(Golden Spike Historical Monument)

Britty & Morgan walking along the tracks

Just a cool perspective, I think.

Sequoia, Morgan & Britty

An old beat up caboose I found.

I got a kick out of how tiny and dwarfed my rather large car looked beside the HUGE bus!

Back at the school, Morgan's waiting for her ride. What a nice pillow.

Wasatch Elementary traditional "End of Year Dance Festival"

Here come the stylin' 1st grade surfin' beach bums!

Forrest and the entire 1st grade doing a 'booty shake'! Too cute!

At this point they were plugging their noses and slowly sinking! Hilarious!!!

Forrest & Mrs. Ord, the sweetest teacher EVER!

5th Grade production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream"

Emma's "makeover" before the play consisted in lavender & pink eyeshadow, lots of blush, and LOTS of glitter!

Emma was cast as the faerie "Cobweb"

Emma (oh, I mean Cobweb) & the other faeries

Britty's guitar recital

This was the view from my seat! Nice, yeah?

Britty & Shelly doing a duet of "Move Along"

Britty & Morgan 'celebrating' their success.

Nathan is simply trying to pass out to get their attention.

Last but not least, Britty's 8th Grade Graduation!

Officially moving on to High School now...

Britty, sporting her collar, gave a great speech on achieving dreams through education.

Tyler, Whitney & Britty are very relieved to have their talks done and over with.

I just love that smile!

Yes, that's Heidi.

Even Gram made it! That meant so much to her!

And we end our long couple of weeks by celebrating everyone's success at our favorite restaurant. Mmmm!

And now I sleep...

How did I get so lucky?

2008-06-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

Back on Memorial Day, I went on a hike with my sweet friend Jessica. We hiked up to the hot springs in Diamond Fork Canyon. It happened to be raining that afternoon, which made the colors so vibrant in all the moisture & filtered light. The dirt and rocks down there were a deep terra-cotta red, in which the depth of color was only intensified while wet. The foliage is still the brighter spring green, which made the scenery absolutely stunning. Because we've actually had some good snowpack this past winter, the river was also swollen & rapid, which only added to the awe at the beauty.

There were many many times along the trail that I would just stop and take in everything around me and express how beautiful and breathtaking it was. Surprised at the nature I've been missing all this time, so close to home, and at the same time regretting not discovering it earlier.

Of course, my first impression of this canyon was in the rain, so now hiking in the rain holds a special place for me, and I truly believe that everyone should discover somewhere in the rain. It's enchanting. It's breathtaking. It's inspiring. It's cold. ;)

After all my stopping and admiring and gawking and such, we finally reached the hot springs which were tucked up against the side of the canyon wall, right next to a waterfall. Now I thought the scenery along the hike was breathtaking, but I was awe struck seeing the pool next to the waterfall.

I don't think I could create a more serene atmosphere if I tried. The Lord's talent and creativity is sure evident here. Now I want to know what else I'm missing.

Sorry, back to my story. I was telling Lori-ann how beautiful the hike was, and told her "You've got to hike there in the rain if you ever get a chance!" Well, a few weeks later, I planned a day to go hiking up there with Lori-ann & Becky, fully expecting a sunny day, and a new perspective of the canyon. Well, we woke up Wednesday morning to... RAIN!!! How perfect that worked out! I was given the opportunity to experience the beauty in that element again. And how perfect it was that Lori-ann got to experience it in the rain too! This was Becky's second time up, but since her first time up was in the dark and everything was covered in snow, this was like a new experience for her too. I couldn't have planned it better.

I feel like I'm stumbling over what to say, all I can muster up in "It's just beautiful." Well, it is! But it's more than that. It's something that in my thoughts right now, words can not express. I am just amazed at what is right by my home, and am realizing that there is so much more beauty out there waiting for me to discover, and I can't wait!

I am so thankful to have friends that love and appreciate nature, and am so excited to have somebody excited to explore with me, and not laugh at me when I see something stunning and take in an audible gasp! LOL! Yes, I'm pathetic, I know. But I'm also addicted to this, so there's my excuse. :)

Sooo, for those of you in the Provo area, I highly recommend you take this hike. It's not too hard. It's about 2-2 1/2 miles up to the springs, and the trail is up and down, which gives it some good variety. Plan on about 4 hours for the round trip.

For those who also have a myspace account, take a look at my hot springs & spring in Utah albums, I have a lot of pictures of my hikes uploaded there.

http://myspace.com/utah_snowflake

Enjoy!

Many beautiful sunsets!

2008-06-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

A beautiful sunset never ceases to amaze me and take my breath away. For as long as I can remember, I have been almost touched and moved by the setting of the sun. I'm sure if I did some research, I'd find that it has some psychological connection somehow. I'm sure if I figured it out, I'd have quite an "a-ha!" moment because it would all make sense. But for now, I'll continue to go out of my way to watch the setting sun, and continue to wonder why the beauty of it captures my attention time and time again as though it was my first time witnessing it.

Well, it's starting to become somewhat obsessive, this sun watching ritual of mine. Especially now that I have a good camera. I'm determined to capture every event I see. Of course, none of these pictures will ever do the true sunset justice, but the imagery as the next best thing to being there. Here are a few of my favorite images I've captured recently. Enjoy!

Emma while waiting for the sun to set

And still waiting

I love how each cloud seems to be glowing!

It's almost like the birds are basking in the warmth of a fire.

There are no words for this.

I love seeing the sun peek through little patches in the clouds.

Portland, bicycles & books.

2008-05-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

Many many years ago, Nolan & I went out to Portland, Oregon to visit my sister. While we were there, not only did we fall in love with the area, but we had discovered this interesting concept that the Portland Police Dept. had put into effect. They painted up dozens and dozens of bicycles with a bright & cheerful sunshine yellow paint scheme, and appropriately named them "Courtesy Bikes." These bikes were distributed all over the city. The idea was that if you saw a yellow bike not currently in use, you were welcome to pick it up, ride it to your destination, and then leave it there for whoever may need to use it next. What a great idea! We need to do more things like that. "Okay, I'm done. Your turn!"

Well, the other day there was a book that decided to end up on top of the mailbox where I work. It had a sticky note on the front that said "I'm not lost, I'm on a journey" along with some information about a traveling book program. Same concept as the bikes in Portland, except it's sharing literature! Instead of junking a book you never read anymore, just leave it somewhere (like on a Chiropractor's mailbox) and let it be available for someone to pick it up and read it, then return the favor and leave it somewhere for the next lucky finder. What a great idea!

The book that was left is called "The Shadow People" by Joyce McDonald. Britty is reading it right now, and she says it's pretty intense, but loves it. She'll probably "randomly" leave it on my bed for me to find so I can read it! LOL!

For more info on this traveling book concept, click here.

Dipping back into my photography talent...

2008-05-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a while (a LONG while) since I've done some serious photography. Mostly because I haven't had a decent camera for years. But now that I have taken care of that dilemma, I am reacquainting myself with the world of photography. I am having SO much fun with my new camera, that I decided to go out on a spontaneous photo shoot in my yard (in the RAIN) the other day. I spoiled myself and bought macro lenses because I'm obsessed with detailed up close images. Especially with dew drops. Here are just a few pictures that I took.

Aaaaah, I'm pleased with how these turned out. :)

~Iris~

~Vinca~

~Geranium~

~Viola~

~Lilac~

~Lily of the Valley~

~Honeysuckle~

~Aspen~

~Bleeding Hearts~

~Tulip~

~Fuschia~

~Strawberry~

My beautiful Utah!

2008-05-20T20:56:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately about how unique Utah is with it's climate & landscape variations. One person will describe Utah as having huge snowcapped mountains that are generously covered with pines and aspens. Another will describe Utah as a vast red rock desert with delicate rock formations and arches. I completely agree that everyone takes for granted what they have, until they're away. I was remembering a trip I made to Ohio 8 years ago. I remember very well feeling vulnerable and lost with no mountains. It was then that I realized how much I love living against the Wasatch range, and how much I would miss my mountains if I were to leave.

I've been out the past couple of days with my camera, taking pictures of what I see on a daily basis, so I can share them with those who have never visited Utah, and especially for those who are away from Utah and could use a good dose of mountains. This is just what we see in Utah County alone.

My view to the North: Mt. Timpanogos~

My view to the South: Mt. Nebo~

My view to the East: Freedom Peak, Visible through Rock Canyon~

(Squaw Mountain on the left, Y Mountain on the right)

Another view to the East: Provo Peak, visible through Slate Canyon~

(Y Mountain on the left, Buckley Mountain on the right)

And last but not least, my view to the West: Lake Mountain~

And this is just a small glimpse of what I get to see surrounding my home on a daily basis.

(Sorry for the dingy East pictures, the wind brought in a lot of dust and junk, most likely leftovers from the HUGE fires in Southern Utah last year. When it clears up, I'll take more.)

Isn't it beautiful?

I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

2008-05-09T23:15:00.000-07:00

I am being put in a position that I am not comfortable with. There are those who wrong me, some by misunderstanding, and another by malice. It would be the human way to run in the opposite direction of the accuser to avoid any further confrontation. To hide to avoid any further pain. It gets tiresome to have to keep defending myself. The defenses are getting weaker and are starting to sound more like excuses. It's unfair to have my character attacked by someone who cares less about trying to get to know me, and who I truly am, and cares more about their status symbol as being superior.

My instinct is to cocoon myself up in a thick protective layer, and allow my own personal metamorphoses, to really become the beauty that I know I possess. Yet there is one who is determined to stop my growth before I awe the world and show it what I'm capable of. There are those who don't appreciate or even care for that matter, about the personal changes and sacrifices I made to become who I am today.

Is it wrong of me to want to avoid such an enemy? I don't have camouflage enough to hide the hurt I am feeling, and the attacker would be elated to see such weakness in my eyes. I am not sufficiently armored to protect myself from further lies, deceit, manipulation & unfair accusations. I am not healed enough to take on more wounds. I really feel that I need time to gain more strength, wisdom & acknowledge my inner beauty, so that I will be more prepared to defend myself against my personal adversary.

...I am so not ready for Sunday.

Don't like Utah weather? Wait 10 minutes, it'll change.

2008-05-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

First of all, Utah has the most bi-polar weather I have ever experienced. It is not surprising that the body has a hard time adjusting to the freezing temperatures, to the heat, back to the freeze, back to the heat, etc. It's even worse when this vicious cycle is happening all in the same day! I laugh at the days (which are very frequent) that I have to scrape ice off the windows in the morning, then run the a/c in the afternoon. Combine this idiotic weather pattern with the massive amounts of pollen in the air from all the blooming grasses and trees, and you get one sick individual, which has a heck of a time shaking the illness. Which leads me to my lovely weekend.

Nolan has been battling the allergies and also a deep chest cold combined for over a month now. Because of the crazy weather fluctuations, (and him working outside in all the elements), he hasn't been able to shake it. His coughing was becoming so violent that it was causing him some frightening head pain, which he was dealing with for a week. Well, Friday he comes home from work with the sinuses cemented shut, so much congestion in his throat that he was "hacking up a lung" trying unsuccessfully to rid himself of the mucus, a fever accompanied with the sweats & chills, all over weakness, and of course, difficulty breathing. I talked with the on call Dr, and he wanted Nolan to go straight to the ER to be treated for PNEUMONIA! So I spent most of Thursday night in the ER with Nolan. Thankfully he did not have pneumonia, but a very aggressive bronchitis that was closing up his airways (and was well on its way to becoming pneumonia). The ER Doc described it as taking a straw, filling it with play dough, poking a hole in the dough with a pin and trying to breathe through it. The sinus crap from the allergies weren't helping the cause either.

So I was taking care of a very sick hubby all weekend. How was your weekend? Anything eventful?

Avoiding responsibility

2008-05-04T19:47:00.000-07:00

I have been sucked into the world of laptop convenience. I can sit anywhere I please and get sucked into the technological world... and avoid all responsibility. Like now. (As I am lounging on my couch staring at a large pile of sheets that need to be folded and taken to my office.) We definitely live in a lazy world, a world of enabling, a world of convenience. Long gone are the days of going to the library to do research. Long gone are the days of standing at the end of a 3 ft. phone cord and making the conversations short because you're tied to the wall. And now, long gone are the days of big bulky computers, and I am elated with the extra freedom my laptop (and my cell phone) have given me. And now to go fold those sheets...