Thursday, March 4, 2010

There is a reason for everything

And definitely, blessings come in strange ways. It is interesting when you look back at situations that at the time seem devastating and like everything is going against you. Then realize that those moments definitely opened an opportunity for something else to happen, or perhaps could have saved your life.

This has been a horrible week for me, mostly emotionally. Last Wednesday, I met with the surgeon and had come to the conclusion that the best option for surgery would be to remove the whole disc and fuse the vertebrae. We scheduled it for the following Thursday, to give me a week to get things situated. I felt okay with it at the time, then immediately the anxiety and panic set in. I wasn't necessarily worried about the surgery itself, but how it would impact the rest of my life. I wondered how it would effect massage, if I'd be able to lift and hold babies, even if I'd be able to hike with the weight of a pack. I just felt very unsettled and terrified. I literally was a nervous wreck. I bawled and bawled for 4 days straight, with such fear and dread for my future. But knew that if I didn't go through with the surgery, I could very possibly lose all nerve function in my right leg. And that would have affected my future even more than the surgery. I just felt stuck.

Monday, I get a phone call from the Surgeon's assistant saying that my insurance company denied the pre-authorization, stating that my eligibility date for that surgery wouldn't be until Sept. 1. Not knowing if I'd even be able to walk by the first of September, I hit an even bigger panic. At this point I honestly felt that everything was in it's power was working against me, trying to slowly maim me. September would have been too late. I knew it. After calling and unsuccessfully bawling out the insurance company (in a state of panicked rage), I had remembered another option that he had mentioned that would fix the problem in the leg, but not the whole problem. At the time of negotiation, it didn't seem like a feasible option for many different reasons, so it was pushed aside. Now it felt right. Made a few more phone calls, and by Tuesday, that other surgery had been authorized, and we were still on for Thursday.

The anxiety and panic had left me. I felt so much calmer.

Now, looking back, I can see how that denial was a huge blessing. Even though I'll still be living with back pain, I'll have the pressure taken off the nerve. Somewhere down the road, I may need to go back in and have the vertebrae fused, but for now, I honestly feel that this may be all that I needed. With "downgrading" the surgery, it changed me from an inpatient to an outpatient surgery. It also cut my down time in half, so hopefully I'll be back to work in the month. And most importantly, Dr. Moulder pointed out that fusing the vertebrae would just open the door for my already slipping L5-S1 disc to completely herniate. Which would put me right back into the situation I was in, which would put me into requiring another major surgery. So for now, I can live with the ache in my back. I've been living with it for years. I'll live with it for more. But the nerve compression is now gone, and that was causing the bigger problems.

Now that I look back, I thought the world was against me. No, the world was trying to save me. And the panic and fear was my first clue. I didn't need the fully invasive surgery. For now, this is all that I needed.

And, today is the first day that I've actually been awake for a good portion of the day. I'm still coming off the effects of the morphine and demerol, and have plenty of lortab and phenegran in my system, and I feel like I'm rambling, so I apologize if I've repeated myself multiple times, and don't make sense anywhere else. I feel like my brain is on a 10 second delay. It's quite amusing, actually. I'm just happy that I'm able to focus on my laptop, and most importantly, that I'm posting from the comfort of my home and not a hospital room. Yes, I am blessed.


37 comments:

Druceal said...

Thank you for the whole story. I am glad that it all worked out for you. I hope recovery is not to bad and you can get back to normal soon.

陽明山花季 said...

thank for share, it is very important . ̄︿ ̄

茂一 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
佩昭彥怡 said...

Judge not a book by its cover.......................................................

EarleP_Gre2285 said...

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Rupe0705rtJ_Brobst said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
俊翔俊翔 said...

非常感謝~3Q~....................................................

BokHaile8854 said...

要保持更新呦,加油!!!期待你的新文章!!!........................................

韋于倫成 said...

百尺竿頭,更進一步..................................................

佩怡 said...

偉大的致富萬能之鑰,正是幫你充分掌握自己心志所必須的自律自制........................................

建霖 said...

Beauty, unaccompanied by virtue, is as a flower without perfume. ....................................................

哲維 said...

Many a true word is spoken in jest.............................................................

又陽 said...

今天心情很好..你心情好嗎?........................................

威隆 said...

任何你憂慮的事,你都應該去採取一點行動,不要只是在那邊想......................................................................

洪筱婷 said...

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佳燕 said...

Pen and ink is wits plough. .................................................................                           

江婷 said...

喜歡你的部落格,留言請您繼續加油.................................................................                           

明霖明霖 said...

向著星球長驅直進的人,反比踟躕在峽路上的人,更容易達到目的。............................................................

熙辰 said...

人生是故事的創造與遺忘。............................................................

吳婷婷 said...

人生是故事的創造與遺忘。............................................................

吳婷婷 said...

Riches serve a wise man but command a fool.............................................................

茹希茹希 said...

No one knows the weight of anothers burden. ............................................................

tuckerdarrell翁tuckerdarrell怡婷 said...

很棒很期待新的內容..................................................................

國昆 said...

Better be the head of a dog than the tail of a lion...................................................................

宋瑞正宋瑞正 said...

上來打聲招呼,祝你一切平安!..................................................................

王美妹 said...

謝謝分享好文章.................................................................

林彥以林彥以 said...

做些小善事,說些愛的字句,世界更快樂。..................................................

王筱彥王筱彥 said...

「仁慈」二個字,就能讓冬天三個月都溫暖。..................................................

恩梁如恩梁如 said...

融會貫通的智慧,永遠不會被遺忘。..................................................

家唐銘 said...

當最困難的時候,也就是離成功不遠的時候。..................................................

建邱勳 said...

人若賺得全世界,賠上自己的靈魂,有什麼益處?.......................................................

沈貞李添睿儀 said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼....................................................

蕙陳春宗陳穎 said...

成功可招引朋友,挫敗可考驗朋友......................................................................

冠陳儒 said...

相逢即是有緣~~留個言問候一聲,祝您平安順利...............................................................

國林林林林維 said...

你好勁呀! 感謝!!!............................................................

玉韓韓韓婷韓韓韓韓 said...

人不能像動物一樣活著,而應該追求知識和美德............................................................

灏群 said...

看後受益良多,謝謝∪ˍ∪......................................................